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OMGSports was lucky enough to sneak a copy of Pat Riley's medical report shortly after the coach announced he was taking an indefinate leave of absence from coaching due to a series of medical problems.

MEDICAL REPORT FOR RILEY, PAT

Patient claimed to be 61-year-old caucasian with fair history of clean living and regular doctor's appointments, but a cursory examination revealed him to actually be a 367-year-old bag of sand that appears to have been consuming a toxic combination of absinthe, bleach, and crack cocaine for decades at a time.

Both of the patient's knees are completely shattered, and appear to have continued supporting Riley's bodyweight through sheer concentration of evil alone. The patient's body is covered in razor-sharp scales, and simply touching a wrist in order to check his pulse sent several orderlies to the emergency room with massive, uncontrollable fleshwounds.

The patient's genitals have, at some point, been filed down to sharp points that could pierce the armor of most United States military vehicles, let alone the sensitive flesh of a potential partner.

A psycological exam was inconclusive, but did reveal the troubling fact that Pat Riley does not understand the human concept of love.

Labels: Miami Heat, NBA, Pat Riley