OMGSports!

The Text of District Court Judge Julie Nicholson's Ruling Against Stephen Jackson:
Mr. Jackson, I find you guilty of violating your parole when you fired a weapon recklessly outside an Indianapolis strip club. Furthermore, I'd like to say that there is absolutely no doubt that you are, to venture into the vernacular that the kids use these days, the single craziest motherfucker I have ever encountered. How you've managed to slip through the protective nets that keep mental cases away from normal people in our society is so far beyond my comprehension that I legitimately may be considered a retard right now.

Let me get this straight: you charged into the stands and fought paying fans? During a game? You didn't, perhaps, stop to think that A) You're fighting the people paying you and B) You're charging into 30,000 people who want to kick your ass? Did you eat finger paint as a child, Mr. Jackson? Perhaps some sort of cleaning liquid your mother kept under the sink? Perhaps it's more likely that you had no mother and simply spawned as some sort of unholy balance between the scales of good and evil.

And then you decided that, in your words, "I done did the self-defense when I shot my bang bang machine." Yes, Mr. Jackson, I see you nodding. Your bang bang machine. Well let me tell you this: firing a gun outside of a strip club (five times!) not only violates your probation, it's also a clear sign that you are fucking crazy! You shouldn't have a gun! I'm not sure you're mature enough to handle a pair of chopsticks, let alone a deadly weapon!

Jesus. I need a drink. Bailiff, take this man to the stockade. YES, I SAID THE STOCKADE! I AM THE LAW!

Labels: NBA, Stephen Jackson

The Yankees have moved a little further towards establishing a a working agreement with the Chinese Baseball Association. They're sending some executives over to talk about setting up a baseball academy, sending over trainers and coaches, and getting some awesome discounts on bottles of sake.

"According to a major league executive who has been briefed on the Yankees' intentions, the Yankees -- operating in consultation with Major League Baseball -- have been in negotiations for seven months on this deal. The Yankees' goal is to get their brand into the world's most populated nation, and put themselves in position, down the road, to scout talent, while working with members of the CBA to improve the state of baseball in China.

Similarly, the Los Angeles Dodgers and Toronto Blue Jays were the first teams to firmly establish themselves in the Dominican Republic, and benefited greatly. Nothing prevents other Major League Baseball teams from attempting to reach the same strategic alliance that the Yankees hope to soon formalize."

Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed happy about recent negotiations with the Chinese, but it was tough to make a concrete call in that regard, as most of his most recent press conference was conducted intermittently through mouthfuls of Pork Fried Rice and Sesame Chicken. Each member of the media was supplied with a fortune cookie upon leaving the conference.

Ours said: "You are both generous and well-endowed."

Labels: China, MLB, Yankees

Now that cornerback Johnathan Joseph has been nabbed for marijuana possession, a lot of Cincinatti Bengals players have been publicly expressing their outrage over the continued tendency of their teammates to get arrested. The gist of their comments is "Come ONNNNNNN, you guys. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH, QUIT IT, SERIOUSLY!" but I'll reprint some anyway:

"Defensive tackle John Thornton and other Bengals told the Cincinnati Enquirer that the arrests are dragging the team down. Everyone in the locker room is affected, he said.

"Willie [Anderson], Carson [Palmer], John Thornton, the guys who do things right, have been forced to answer for the guys who decided not to do the right thing," linebacker Brian Simmons told the newspaper. "The perception of the team across the country is bad. It's as if it's going around like the plague."

"If it doesn't stop, we're not going to have any fans left, and I don't blame them. It's ridiculous," Palmer said in comments posted on the team web site."

OMGSports correspondants just didn't have the heart to inform Palmer in person of the reports that Bengals receiver Chad Johnson was recently arrested for killing and eating several orphan babies. It didn't seem like the right time, you know?

Labels: Cincinatti Bengals, NFL

As a professional sports league, the NBA has to be careful to cultivate a marketable, fan-friendly image. Players have to be talented, and yet accessible and articulate, as well. Also, you've gotta fucking love the happy sauce. Enter Heat rookie guard Robert Hite:

" Heat rookie Robert Hite was charged with driving under the influence early Sunday, and missed Miami's game against Dallas.

According to the Miami Beach Police report, which was first obtained by Miami television station WSVN, an officer detected a "strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath" after the player was stopped for speeding. The report also said Hite's eyes were bloodshot and his speech slurred.

Hite was processed and released on $1,000 bond at about 2 p.m., Miami-Dade Corrections spokeswoman Janelle Hall said. Hite was not at the arena for the Heat's game, which began at 1 p.m.

"I don't know anything about it. I don't know where he is," Heat interim coach Ron Rothstein said Miami's 99-93 loss. "That's all I can tell you. I don't know. I'm going to try to find out. I'm concerned but as of right now I don't know what the deal is." "

The best part about this isn't that Robert Hite slammed back fifteen bottles of everclear and then went careening recklessly around the streets of Miami. No, the best part is Ron Rothstein throwing his hands up and simply HAVING NO IDEA WHERE ONE OF HIS PLAYERS IS. I feel amazed to say this and not be talking about the Clippers or the Trailblazers, but we might have to start putting electronic ankle bracelets on players to keep them in line.

And when they get a certain distance away from their hotel or from the basketball arena, they get pounded by 500,000 volts of white-hot electricity. It's called tough love, people. We've got to communicate with the young men of our nation, and we've got to do it by killing them with sudden shock treatment on the streets.

Labels: Miami Heat, NBA

Bill Parcells announced his retirement from coaching on Monday. He won two championships, coached four different teams, and willingly employed Drew Bledsoe on several occasions.

Parcells told a representative from OMGSports that he planned to spend his newly increased free time with his wife and family, and, in addition, "trying my best to expand that freakish front pouch or vagina or swollen man-clit I've got going on."

Seriously, what the hell is that? Is Bill wearing a fanny pack under his shorts? Is he a fucking marsupial? Is he starring in Junior 2?

Labels: Bill Parcells, NFL