OMGSports!

In keeping with the philosophy that the only good fanbase is a fanbase 85 pounds overweight and half-dead from clogged arteries,the Dodgers have announced an all-you-can-eat section to be opened this season at Dodger Stadium. Here that? It's the sound of herds stampeding towards Los Angeles, people.

"The Los Angeles Dodgers are converting their right-field pavilion into all-you-can-eat bleachers. Takers will have access to as many hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soft drinks as they want.

"Instead of paying cash, fans ask for whatever they want, and they get it. There are going to be some self-service parts, buffet-style, as well," said Dodgers executive vice president and chief operating officer Marty Greenspun.

Around 3,000 seats right-field seats will be sold for $35 in advance and $40 on game day with the all-you-can-eat special."

No word yet on whether the food will be offered on plates or, as most have agreed should be the case, in a massive, communal trough on each row of seats.

Labels: Dodgers, fans, MLB

When you're friends, you kid around! Everybody knows that. In fact, anybody who thinks Barry Bonds is a bad friend for recently claiming that he got shitload of amphetamines from teammate Mark Sweeney only to completely change his story the next day should take a serious look in the mirror.

In fact, if I had a nickel for every time I've made a public allegation that threatened someone's entire career just for kicks, why, I'd have a billion dollars in my pocket. "Hey, Steve," I'd yell across the office. "YOU RAPED MY WIFE!" As everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Steve in shocked silence and outrage, I'd start weeping. "YOU...YOU MONSTER!"

A few days later I'd quietly clap him on the back and tell him it was all in good fun. Of course, by that time he'd been both fired and divorced, but I think he really grasped the nuances of my humor. Don't worry, Barry, we get you!

Labels: Barry Bonds, MLB, Steroids

The New York Daily News is reporting that Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Shocked?

Okay, surprised? At all interested? Yeah, guess not. LOOK ANYWAY.

"When first informed of the positive test, Bonds attributed it to a substance he had taken from teammate Mark Sweeney's locker, the New York City newspaper said, citing several unnamed sources.

"I have no comment on that," Bonds' agent Jeff Borris told the Daily News on Wednesday night.

"Mark was made aware of the fact that his name had been brought up," Sweeney's agent Barry Axelrod told the Daily News. "But he did not give Barry Bonds anything, and there was nothing he could have given Barry Bonds.""

OMGSports was able to contact Bonds briefly for comment by visiting him at his off-season workout facility. The following is the transcript of the brief exchange:

OMG: Barry, it's been reported that you failed an amphetamine test. Any comments?
Bonds: (Wrapping a cord around his upper arm) No comment.
OMG: But Barry, this could mean that your records are rendered completely meaningless! You've got no response?
Bonds: (Injecting a needle full of glowing green fluid into his forearm)KEEEEEEEYYYRRAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
OMG: Barry? Are you okay?
Bonds: (Growing several feet taller and pulsating with exertion) I. REQUIRE. FLESH.
OMG: I think we'll come back.

Bonds is nothing if not elusive and difficult to peg down concerning his possible steroid use. It seems we may never know the truth regarding how clean or how dirty he may be.

Labels: Barry Bonds, MLB, Steroids

Celtics guard Tony Allen learned the dangers of jumping without a trained spotter last night. After being fouled on his way to the basket, Allen continued on his drive after the whistle blew and went up for an uncontested dunk. He came down awkwardly, and apparently tore the ACL in his knee. Tell it, ESPN:

""This is just terrible," Celtics coach Doc Rivers said. "When he came down, you could see his heel jam into the ground and I reacted right away because I could see it, I could feel it"

Rivers said Allen's injury is probably an ACL tear, but the MRI results won't be available until Thursday."

Celtics players were obviously devastated by the loss of Allen, until Coach Rivers brought them a furry young puppy to play with. After a few minutes of frolicking joyfully, they had forgotten everything. The moral of the story? Everything is okay if you've got yourself a doggy.

Labels: Celtics, NBA

Patriots vs Chargers
Sunday, Jan. 14th 4:30 PM

Introduction
I am a Patriots fan. This will not tilt the outlook of this preview in any way.

Coaching
Bill Belichick is the greatest and smartest coach in the history of the world. Marty Shottenheimer, sadly, is not. Belichick is seemingly unaware of the near-constant praise heaped upon him by every NFL broadcaster who wants to appear knowledgeable, who joyfully screech things like, "BILL'S GAMEPLAN IS INGENIOUS! HOW CAN ANYONE HOPE TO COACH AGAINST THIS MASTERMIND?" In fact, Bill is seemingly unaware of the fact, most of the time, that he is even in public or coaching. He stands, looking vaguely confused and disappointed, while things that may or may not be positive developments for his team happen on the field. There is no connection between game and man. I think Bill Belichick might have lost his mind several years ago, and now a presence far darker, more sinister, and much more oblivious is in charge.

Marty Shottenheimer, the coach of the Chargers, has been witnessed eating dirt on the sidelines during games. It is unclear whether this is an effort to "fire up the team," as they say, or simply a sad display of dementia.


Philip Rivers: "And the breast, when you touch it, it feels, you know, like a bag of sand..."

Offense
It's unclear how old Chargers' QB Philip Rivers might actually be. According to chargers.com, he's 27, but the picture above of him leading discussion in his high school wellness class suggests to me that he's not a day over 13. That aside, he's led San Diego to the top seed in the AFC, and he's done so without anyone figuring out that he's a virgin and has only had one sip of beer in his whole life.

None of this will matter if running back Ladainian Tomlinson is as terrifyingly superhuman in his performance as he has been all season. Team officials have been reluctant to comment on the results of Tomlinson's titanium leg implant surgery, but it appears, according to documents concerning the procedure's typical results, that he should now be able to reach land speeds of up to 350 mph.

Bummer, Pats' defense.


Vince Wilfork: "I'm smellin' me some cornbread..."

Defense
The Patriots' defense will obviously have to place a defensive web of land mines around potential running lanes in order to stop LT. Another key element of this strategy is not stepping on those land mines themselves. That would make them go boom boom. No good time. Moving on.

The Chargers' defense is lead by (huge, admitted cheater) Shawne Merriman. His inspiring play at linebacker (and cheating) have really spurred his teammates on to huge performances (and cheating through steroid use) in big games.

And, I might add, HE FUCKING CHEATED. AND NO ONE CARED. MARK MCGWIRE, ANYONE? HELLO?

Bottom Line
The Chargers are explosive on offense. LT is LT, and it seems hard to imagine that he won't get his yards on the ground and through the air, but that's something the Pats' D will likely have to live with. The other guys are the ones that are hard to call. Rivers has been poised under pressure all year, but he is in his first playoff game, and jitters could lead to mistakes, and mistakes could lead to opportunistic points by a veteran squad like this.

Tom Brady has been inconsistant all season. Part of this can be explained through lack of familiarity with his fellow offensive starters, dropped passes, injuries, etc., etc. However, part of it is also, sadly, moments where he has simply screamed, "I'M TOM BRADY, FUCKO!" and hucked a ball into triple coverage and not gotten bailed out. He has made decisions that he would have never made in the past this year, and that makes even the most optimistic New England fan nervous. You have to think that he will have his shit together for this game though; the man is a competitor.

The Pick: Experience and poise over explosiveness and youth. It's the fucking playoffs. No kids allowed. Pats 31, Chargers 28

Labels: Chargers, NFL, Patriots, Playoffs

Barbaro, who, according to various news reports, is a horse, has suffered a small setback in his recovery process.

"Barbaro has suffered a significant setback in his recovery from laminitis, with damaged tissue removed from the Kentucky Derby winner's left hind hoof. Barbaro was being treated aggressively for his discomfort and is in stable condition, according to a statement released Wednesday morning by the University of Pennsylvania's New Bolton Center. The tissue was removed Tuesday night.

"Things were marching along pretty smoothly until this," Barbaro's co-owner Gretchen Jackson said. "We've been there before with him. He's a horse that wants to live.""

Several of Barbaro's training staff reacted to this news by standing silently outside of the horse's stall and idly wondering what horse meat tastes like. What if it's not that bad? A little gamey, perhaps?

I'm not saying we should, but hey, think about it.

Labels: Barbaro, Horse Racing

The Mavericks win streak is history, thanks to a Lakers effort led by 26 from Kobe Bryant and a career high 16 points by Sasha Vujacic (pronounced "smith"). Vujacic managed to hit the clinching three-pointer with 28 seconds left, and the Lakers held on to win, 101-98.

Vujacic, a 22-year-old guard in his third season from Slovenia, told reporters after the game that he's never lacking in confidence, thanks to his difficult upbringing.

"IN HOMELAND OF SLOVENIA, THE SHEEPS ARE FOR OF EATING!" Vujacic exclaimed excitedly, pointing to pictures of stick figures he had drawn crudely in crayon. "I AM OF THE GREAT GOD OF SHEEPS!"

Phil Jackson, the Lakers' coach who won his 900th game Sunday night, shrugged sadly. "I don't know who Sasha Vujacic is. You wanna drop some acid?"

Labels: Lakers, NBA

The game was interesting enough. The Patriots thoroughly beat the Jets behind a solid, mistake-free effort from Tom Brady (22-34, 212 yards, two tds) and a stout defense seemingly featuring every big, scary football player that kicked your ass in middle school.

Chad Pennington, predictably, simply didn't have the arm to lead a comeback against monstrous physical specimens like Richard Seymour and Mike Vrabel, and the Jets fell apart in the fourth quarter. Patriots 37, Jets 16.

The real story, of course, were the exploits of Patriots coach Bill Belichick. In the middle of a pivotal Jets drive in the third quarter, a crazed Belichick threw down his clipboard, stripped awkwardly out of his cutoff team sweatshirt, and sprinted hungrily across the field. Despite the efforts of confused NFL officials and Jets personnel, Belichick tackled Jets coach Eric Mangini to the cold ground and began devouring the flesh from his body.

After a hectic ten minute struggle on the sideline, Jets players pulled the screaming, foaming Belichick off of the tattered remains of Mangini's body and deposited him in a small, electrified cage. Gillette Stadium workers took Belichick to the bowels of the stadium and administered rigorous shock therapy for several hours. The Patriots front office has provided no update as to Belichick's condition as of press time.

Jets players expressed shock after the game ended.

"He really took it to coach," said Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma. "I mean, I feel bad and all, but damn," Vilma said, shaking his head in quiet admiration. "Coach was squealin' like a little bitch."

"No, I wasn't surprised," admitted Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel. "Coach had been sayin' all week that we should tear their hearts out, and I guess he was pretty serious about that part."

Samuel quietly hung his jersey in his locker, and patted the gameball he had been awarded for his pivotal, game-sealing interception of Pennington in the fourth quarter.

"That's just football, man. Cannibalism and football go hand-in-hand, right?"

Labels: Bill Belichick, Eric Mangini, Jets, NFL, Patriots

The game was interesting enough. The Patriots thoroughly beat the Jets behind a solid, mistake-free effort from Tom Brady (22-34, 212 yards, two tds) and a stout defense seemingly featuring every big, scary football player that kicked your ass in middle school.

Chad Pennington, predictably, simply didn't have the arm to lead a comeback against monstrous physical specimens like Richard Seymour and Mike Vrabel, and the Jets fell apart in the fourth quarter. Patriots 37, Jets 16.

The real story, of course, were the exploits of Patriots coach Bill Belichick. In the middle of a pivotal Jets drive in the third quarter, a crazed Belichick threw down his clipboard, stripped awkwardly out of his cutoff team sweatshirt, and sprinted hungrily across the field. Despite the efforts of confused NFL officials and Jets personnel, Belichick tackled Jets coach Eric Mangini to the cold ground and began devouring the flesh from his body.

After a hectic ten minute struggle on the sideline, Jets players pulled the screaming, foaming Belichick off of the tattered remains of Mangini's body and deposited him in a small, electrified cage. Gillette Stadium workers took Belichick to the bowels of the stadium and administered rigorous shock therapy for several hours. The Patriots front office has provided no update as to Belichick's condition as of press time.

Jets players expressed shock after the game ended.

"He really took it to coach," said Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma. "I mean, I feel bad and all, but damn," Vilma said, shaking his head in quiet admiration. "Coach was squealin' like a little bitch."

"No, I wasn't surprised," admitted Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel. "Coach had been sayin' all week that we should tear their hearts out, and I guess he was pretty serious about that part."

Samuel quietly hung his jersey in his locker, and patted the gameball he had been awarded for his pivotal, game-sealing interception of Pennington in the fourth quarter.

"That's just football, man. Cannibalism and football go hand-in-hand, right?"

Labels: Bill Belichick, Eric Mangini, Jets, NFL, Patriots