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It's always difficult for prospective college students to make a final decision regarding where they'll pursue their higher education. There are hundreds of fabulous schools in the United States, and they all have attractive academic programs, sports teams, and impressive facilities.

LSU has lesbian older women seducing innocent female athletes. Shit, they win!

"Pokey Chatman resigned as the head women's basketball coach at Louisiana State on Wednesday after the university became aware of an alleged inappropriate sexual relationship between Chatman and a former player on Chatman's team, sources told ESPN.com.

The university, the sources said, learned of the relationship from an employee within the basketball program. It was unclear when the alleged improper conduct took place, but when asked if it had occurred while the player was a member of a team coached by Chatman, a university source said, "that's my understanding.""

I have to admit that I read approximately 0% of that quote or of the accompanying news story. The reasoning? My brain and the brains of every man in human history collectively shut down instantly each time our eyes cross the word "lesbian." You might as well get out the smelling salts and the adrenaline shots, because until we either get shocked back to life or viciously tossed into a cave of hungry lesbian sex-demons, we're going to be stuck in a boner coma.

Labels: lesbians, NCAA Basketball

It's March, and so it's almost time for the annual NCAA basketball tournament to get underway again. As this time approaches, a lot of confusing and outright malicious terminology gets viciously slung in the direction of casual fans, often leaving them bereft of eyes and missing large, noticeable chunks of their ears. Here at OMGSports, we're firmly committed to avoiding accidental facial mutilation, and so, to cut through some of the confusing inside terminology, we're offering a helpful service courtesy of official OMGSports correspondent John Madden.

JOHN MADDEN'S GUIDE TO COLLEGE BASKETBALL TERMINOLOGY

This week's term: "Teams On the Bubble."
You see, the thing about bubbles is that they just have no place in the world of football. Football is played on a field, and fields, you know, are made of grass and there just isn't a way for a field made of grass to produce bubbles while a football game is going on. They're just not getting the oxygen that they need for the photosynthesis.
So when you've got a team on the bubble, you've got a team that just isn't getting enough oxygen to maintain their photosynthesis. You've got guys making tackles, and you've got guys throwing touchdowns, and you've got guys who're just wearing their Brett Favre jerseys all the time without washin' 'em, and you know, that's okay. But there's only two teams in the Super Bowl at one time, so it's hard for a team that's a bubble team to get in the Super Bowl if they haven't already made it to the game. That's just good football.

Labels: John Madden, NCAA Basketball, NCAA Tournament

As what we can only assume is part of his lifelong effort to convince us that he is in fact the King Of Crazytown, Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest is in trouble for smacking around a girl. Bravo, Ron, bravo - that's the manly way to win street cred these days.

"Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest slapped a woman's face and grabbed her repeatedly, causing visible injuries, according to a sheriff's report made public Tuesday.

Artest was arrested Monday after a woman inside his home in a Sacramento suburb called 911 and said she had been assaulted. In a portion of the 911 tape released by authorities, the woman described injuries to her hand and leg."

That sounds bad enough, but even that disturbing description is nothing compared to the startling transcript of the 911 call regarding the incident. OMGSports was lucky enough to obtain a copy of that transcript, which is reprinted verbatim below:

Ron Artest Domestic Violence 911 Call Transcript
Dispatch: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Caller: RON RON BE BEATIN' THE HOTFOOT TO CRAZYLAND!
Dispatch: Miss, are you hurt? Is someone hurting you? Where are you located?
Caller: IT'S RON RON! HE BE BEATIN ME WITH A BAT!
Dispatch: Someone is hitting you with a baseball bat? I've notified the police, m'aam, and they can be on their way if you can give me your location.
Caller: RON RON BE BEATIN' ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT! AND IT'S ON FIRE! AND IT'S GOT LAVA!
Dispatch: I'm sorry? Please repeat what you just said, m'aam.
Caller: RON RON GOT THE BURNIN' BASEBALL LAVA BAT OF JESUS! OH, LORD, THE LAVA BAT! HIS HORNS ARE COMIN' OUT!
Dispatch: M'aam, I can't understand you.
Caller: HIS DEVIL HORNS! THEY COMIN' OUT HIS HEAD WHILE HE BE BEATIN' ME! OH LORD I'M IMPALED ON TOP OF HIS DEVIL HORNS! HE BE SHAKIN' ME AROUND IN THE AIR ON HIS DEVIL HORNS AND HITTIN' ME WITH THE LAVA BAT! OH LORD!
Dispatch: Ron Ron is beating you to death with a burning, lava-encrusted baseball bat while you lay impaled on massive devil horns growing out of his skull?
Caller: Yes.

Labels: NBA, Ron Artest