OMGSports!

At a recent press conference, former Patriots LB Ted Johnson blamed coach Bill Belichick for ignoring his medical problems and eventually causing him to suffer extensive, life-altering injuries.

"Johnson, who helped the Patriots win three Super Bowl titles before retiring two years ago, told The New York Times that a collision with another player during that 2002 practice led to another concussion. And, after sustaining additional concussions over the next three seasons, he now forgets people's names, misses appointments and suffers from depression and an addiction to amphetamines.

"There's something wrong with me," Johnson, 34, told the Times in a story posted on its Web site Thursday night. "There's something wrong with my brain. And I know when it started.""

Johnson then ripped off his pressed khaki pants, revealing a large vagina, whose outer lips began to flap violently along with Johnson's increasingly frantic explanations. "Is this what a man looks like?!?" Johnson screamed in a high-pitched, hysterical voice, tears forming at the corners of his distinctly feminine eyes. "I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore," he blubbered, spinning around slowly in circles so that the flaps of his giant, disgusting vagina swung out at his sides and sprayed the assembled crowd of reporters with several hundred pounds of unidentified fluid.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He shouted.

In response, Patriots coach Bill Belichick looked blankly into a camera and muttered, "Who the fuck is Ted Johnson?"

Labels: Bill Belichick, New England Patriots, NFL, Ted Johnson

Here's a bad sign for the way your life is going: you have to have a provision in your contract to make sure that your employer doesn't have to pay you if you end up going to fucking jail. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wondrous life of Barry Bonds!

" Bonds' $15.8 million, one-year agreement contains a provision giving the club the right to void the deal if he is indicted, but the outfielder's agent says the language is unenforceable under baseball's collective bargaining agreement.

The unusual provision, included in the deal that was completed Monday night, is designed by the team to protect itself in case Bonds is charged in the federal government's steroids investigation. Bonds' personal trainer, Greg Anderson, is in a California federal prison because he has refused to testify whether Bonds committed perjury when he told a 2003 grand jury he never knowingly used performance-enhancing drugs.

In the contract, a list of criminal acts is spelled out in a section.

"Player acknowledges and agrees that an indictment for any criminal act under [that section] ... is proper grounds for termination of this contract," Bonds' contract states. "

To further complicate matters, OMGSports correspondents have learned that the Giants will be requiring even more provisions in any updated version of the contract. Under the new contract, Bonds' deal will be voided if he is convicted of serial child molestation, cattle mutilation, or jaywalking under the influence of prescription drugs.

In other, unrelated news, Henry Aaron spent yet another day laughing hysterically to himself and drinking champagne.

Labels: Barry Bonds, MLB, Steroids

Curt Schilling says he's going to pitch for a little longer. Schilling, who was born in a corn field in the summer of 1867 and now weighs upwards of 415 pounds, says he's going at least two more years.

"At the end of last season, there was doubt Schilling would pitch in 2007, but he put that to rest before the 2006 campaign ended.

"Over the last probably 5-6 months and my wife and kids and I have been talking and we came to conclusion about a week or 10 days ago that I was not going to retire in 2007, that I was going to go ahead," Schilling told WEEI. "I always believed physically I was going to be more than OK, I feel like last year, while I certainly didn't have a year like I know I could have, toward the end I became a lot healthier and my wife and kids want me to continue to play which was the only reason I was retiring in the first place.

"Where I'm going to play beyond 2007, I hope it's Boston, but I will go out and find a home to pitch," Schilling told WEEI. "I hope it's here but there's also that possibility [of pitching for another team]. It would not be to New York.""

Before leaving the press conference, Schilling paused briefly to put on a New York Yankees baseball cap. He leaned over, smiley sheepishly into the microphone, and said, "Oh, yeah. Ignore that."

In other news, when informed of Schilling's public intent to pitch for several additional years, Roger Clemens pledged to members of the press that recent medical advancements would allow him to stay alive for all of eternity, and pitch competitively for at least fifty-six more seasons.

No word on whether anyone, anywhere, still remembers how to exit the game gracefully when their time is up.

Labels: Curt Schilling, MLB, Red Sox