OMGSports!

Brett Favre came a terrifying inch closer to securing a completely undeserved playoff birth for the Packers by beating the Vikings last night, 9-7. The game, which approximately all thirty-three subscribers to the NFL network were able to watch, featured an intriguing matchup of Favre and Vikings' rookie QB Tavaris Jackson. Sadly, this match-up turned out to be the rough equivalent of a 97 year-old man fighting an infant, because neither of them appeared to have the slightest goddamn clue what they were doing. Favre threw 2 picks while going 25 for 50, and Jackson gained a mind-numbing 50 yards passing on 10 for 20.

Honestly, at some point, Brett has to die of natural causes. And we'll think that that's the end, but the sheer power of his will and the black magic of John Madden's long-standing man crush will keep just alive enough that the Packers' offensive line can keep dragging him around Lambeau, face-down on the grass, pissing, shitting, and moaning incoherently. And he'll still manage 10-15 touchdowns, because, hey, he's fucking Brett Favre and he's the best football player in history, even half-dead, unconscious, and unable to control his bowels.

I think his bowels might manage a better completion percentage than Tavaris Jackson.

Labels: Brett Favre, NFL

ESPN is reporting that Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving early this morning.

"An officer saw the former NL rookie of the year stop his black Bentley in the South Beach neighborhood, get out of the car around 4:30 a.m. and urinate in the street. Miami Beach police spokesman Bobby Hernandez said the officer noticed signs of intoxication as he approached Willis, who failed a field sobriety test.

'He couldn't keep his balance, he had a strong smell of alcohol,' Hernandez said."

I like playing police officer! Let's see. Someone is driving erratically, and then pulls over and starts pissing all over the road. He also reeks of booze. Let's go with...um...jaywalking? Voter fraud? Oh, fuck, that's right! Drunken driving! That makes sense! Man, this cop shit is hard, huh?

Listen, arresting someone who stinks of alcohol while they're pissing in the road at 4 in the morning for suspicion of drunken driving is like arresting Rosie O'Donnell on suspicion of being morbidly obese. We pretty much know that for certain, don't we?

Labels: Dontrelle Willis, Drunks, MLB

A transcript of the first conversation between Nuggets coach George Karl and newly acquired superstar Allen Iverson:

Karl: Hi there, Allen, it's a pleasure to have you on my team.
Iverson: WASSUP WHITEY! GUNS AND FORTIES, KNOW WHAT I'M SAAAAAAAAAYIN?
Karl: Well then. That's certainly some very colorful dialect you've got there.

AI takes a bad rap for being obviously emblematic of white america's difficulty with black culture. It's unfortunate, because OMGSports firmly believe's he's the most underappreciated guy in the league. That being said, do I believe it'll work out? I hope so, because the guy deserves to win, but...um....there is the slight problem of the Nuggets roster, which depends, to an alarming degree, on the shaky legs of people like Kenyon Martin, Nene, and Marcus Camby.

We'll see.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Denver Nuggets, NBA

Turns out all those reports about JD Drew being injury-prone were, um, completely fucking right. The Boston Globe is reporting that there are some "issues" with Drew's shoulder, and that the Red Sox are asking for a second examination of it.

It's still unknown as to whether or not the iregularity could have some impact on Drew's 70 million dollar deal, or even how serious the condition is, but here's a short list of conditions OMGSports has discovered it could be:

1) Dinosaur Bite: Sometimes, even the noble-hearted Tyrannosaurus gets pissed off, and maybe JD stepped a little too close. I know I'd take a bite out of some fucker's shoulder if he pissed me off and I happened to be in possession of a 7-foot jaw with razor teeth.

2) Fell Off A Building: The impact of a 100-story fall to unforgiving concrete might tweak your shoulder a bit.

3) Various Robot Laser Battles: Vicious battle droids are seering your flesh in another galaxy and you're expected to play baseball?!?

Labels: JD Drew, MLB, Red Sox

LaDainian Tomlinson sent a warm stream of righteous, triumphant urine splashing all over the NFL record books yesterday, scoring his 30th and 31st touchdowns in a win over the Chiefs. Tomlinson now holds the single season records for touchdowns, rushing touchdowns, points scored, consecutive multi-touchdown games, and the largest penis in NFL history.

In other news, former touchdown record holder Shaun Alexander celebrated the news of Tomlinson's accomplishment by screaming into a pillow for two hours.

Labels: LaDainian Tomlinson, NFL