OMGSports!

Dana Altman, recently introduced as the new head basketball coach at the University of Arkansas, threw down a smoke bomb and screamed "SEE YOU IN HELL, CLOWNS!" recently, abruptly ending his one day tenure at the program.

Altman, who was the coach at Creighton University until his aforementioned trip to Indecision Retard City, will return to his former job, red-faced with his pants down, a pool of rancid shit pooling at his feet.

"I want duh jobby I done done," he'll mutter. "Let me done do duh jobby job!"

And the massive, protective arms of Creighton University will welcome him back tearfully, hoping against hope that her retarded, abusive basketball coach won't go whoring around to other colleges as soon as her back is turned.

Labels: Arkansas, Creighton, idiots, NCAA Basketball

More than seven ecstatic fans celebrated long past 8 pm last night as Tennessee won their seventh national women's basketball championship. Fans in the arena to watch the Lady Vols defeat Rutgers, 59-46, were raucous, if confused.

""I don't understand why they're not baking anything," local security officer Max Thompson said, scratching his head and cradling a Hustler in one hand. "How the hell are we supposed to eat? And how are they doing all that running without the babies fallin' out their stomachs?""

Local officials remained stunned by the Tennessee roster's apparent ability to cast aside traditional laws of science to go more than ten minutes without either producing baked goods or having a baby. A new, terrifying generation of superwomen is upon us.

God help us all.

Labels: NCAA Basketball, women

Kevin Durant won the AP Player of the Year Award today, becoming the first Freshman to ever do that. Good for you, you little fuckhead, you've assured yourself of more money at 19 than I will ever see. I AM NOT BITTER.

"The 6-foot-9 swingman finished fourth in the country in scoring (25.8) and rebounding (11.1) while leading the Longhorns to a 25-10 record, the Big 12 tournament championship game and the second round of the NCAA Tournament.

Durant, the Big 12 player and freshman of the year, shot 47 percent from the field, 40 percent from 3-point range and 82 percent from the free-throw line. He averaged 36 minutes per game and led the Longhorns in steals and blocked shots. He had 20 double-doubles and scored at least 30 points a Big 12-record 11 times."

It's honestly just unfair to have this kid in the game. Have you ever played a basketball video game and created a player? Pushed all of his stats up to 99 for no reason? Do your friends allow this?

Well, yes, they do, but only because they immediately respond with their own team of massive, super-talented freakbots. So, my solution to the existence of Kevin Durant is, of course, the immediate creation of armies of genetically altered, superhuman mutants to play basketball. We'll feed them fish heads and name them after colors of the rainbow and our favorite television sitcom characters!

"Hey, Al Borland! Did you eat the basketball? THAT'S A BAD AL BORLAND MUTANT!"

Labels: Kevin Durant, NCAA Basketball