OMGSports!

Revealing his life-long aspiration to make it as, in his words, "...one of the pretty girls," Bill Cowher has announced that he will not be returning next year to continue coaching the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Cowher went 161-99-1 during his tenure with the Steelers, and despite going a soul-crushingingly mediocre 8-8 this year, still managed to constantly keep the team both in contention and almost completely unwatchably boring. A good coach, and a terrifying man, here's hoping he has fun in retirement with...um...sitting. Yeah, that sounds awesome.

You'll never make it in the modeling world with that artificially augmented chin, Bill! THERE'S NO WAY THAT SHIT'S REAL! I KNOW YOUR SECRET, COWHER!

Labels: Bill Cowher, NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers

Randy Johnson (pictured above shortly after hurling a thunderbolt of rage at those attempting to ascend to the top of his mountain of solitude) is headed back to the Diamondbacks after a delightful two year honeymoon with the New York Yankees. New Yorkers will long fondly remember Johnson (or "Big Lovieface," as fans grew to call him), for the infectious sense of enthusiasm, caring, and life-affirming joy that he brought to the ball park every time he took the mound.

Well. That and the viscious, white-hot hatred of everything and everyone that attempted to make any sort of human connection with him, even through the slightest conversational pleasantries (which usually ended, as many can attest, with chokeslams). Allow me to speak for all Yankees fans, Randy, when I say that we'll miss you desperately.

Labels: MLB, Randy Johnson, Yankees

OMGSports was lucky enough to sneak a copy of Pat Riley's medical report shortly after the coach announced he was taking an indefinate leave of absence from coaching due to a series of medical problems.

MEDICAL REPORT FOR RILEY, PAT

Patient claimed to be 61-year-old caucasian with fair history of clean living and regular doctor's appointments, but a cursory examination revealed him to actually be a 367-year-old bag of sand that appears to have been consuming a toxic combination of absinthe, bleach, and crack cocaine for decades at a time.

Both of the patient's knees are completely shattered, and appear to have continued supporting Riley's bodyweight through sheer concentration of evil alone. The patient's body is covered in razor-sharp scales, and simply touching a wrist in order to check his pulse sent several orderlies to the emergency room with massive, uncontrollable fleshwounds.

The patient's genitals have, at some point, been filed down to sharp points that could pierce the armor of most United States military vehicles, let alone the sensitive flesh of a potential partner.

A psycological exam was inconclusive, but did reveal the troubling fact that Pat Riley does not understand the human concept of love.

Labels: Miami Heat, NBA, Pat Riley

Hey, Dolphins fans, lay the fuck off. Nick Saban gave his everything to your football team, and look at everything he brought you. Daunte Culpepper, who was the stalwart, all-pro quarterback everyone expected him to...oh, wait. Sorry, my bad.

Okay, well, despite whatever disagreements you may have about personnel decisions, there simply is no way to deny Saban's coaching credentials. After all, he lead the Dolphins to an impressive 15-17 record during his two years wait what the FUCK? 15-17?

This man picked Joey Harrington is his starting quarterback, instead of the signing the man who has become the king of all poon in New Orleans, Drew Brees?

Shouldn't Miami be throwing a parade and desperately contacting Saban's agents and trying to set up an ultimate fighting championship match between Nick and obvious mutant warrior/linebacker Zach Thomas? Is there any Miami fan who wouldn't throw down $20 for that?

Labels: Miami Dolphins, NFL, Nick Saban