OMGSports!

Dana Altman: Just kidding, fags! LOL!

2007-04-04T11:37:00.000-05:00

Dana Altman, recently introduced as the new head basketball coach at the University of Arkansas, threw down a smoke bomb and screamed "SEE YOU IN HELL, CLOWNS!" recently, abruptly ending his one day tenure at the program.

Altman, who was the coach at Creighton University until his aforementioned trip to Indecision Retard City, will return to his former job, red-faced with his pants down, a pool of rancid shit pooling at his feet.

"I want duh jobby I done done," he'll mutter. "Let me done do duh jobby job!"

And the massive, protective arms of Creighton University will welcome him back tearfully, hoping against hope that her retarded, abusive basketball coach won't go whoring around to other colleges as soon as her back is turned.

Women Allegedly Play Basketball; Don't Always Wear Aprons

2007-04-04T11:28:00.000-05:00

More than seven ecstatic fans celebrated long past 8 pm last night as Tennessee won their seventh national women's basketball championship. Fans in the arena to watch the Lady Vols defeat Rutgers, 59-46, were raucous, if confused.

""I don't understand why they're not baking anything," local security officer Max Thompson said, scratching his head and cradling a Hustler in one hand. "How the hell are we supposed to eat? And how are they doing all that running without the babies fallin' out their stomachs?""

Local officials remained stunned by the Tennessee roster's apparent ability to cast aside traditional laws of science to go more than ten minutes without either producing baked goods or having a baby. A new, terrifying generation of superwomen is upon us.

God help us all.

Kevin Durant Is Good At Basketball

2007-03-30T11:33:00.000-05:00

Kevin Durant won the AP Player of the Year Award today, becoming the first Freshman to ever do that. Good for you, you little fuckhead, you've assured yourself of more money at 19 than I will ever see. I AM NOT BITTER.

"The 6-foot-9 swingman finished fourth in the country in scoring (25.8) and rebounding (11.1) while leading the Longhorns to a 25-10 record, the Big 12 tournament championship game and the second round of the NCAA Tournament.

Durant, the Big 12 player and freshman of the year, shot 47 percent from the field, 40 percent from 3-point range and 82 percent from the free-throw line. He averaged 36 minutes per game and led the Longhorns in steals and blocked shots. He had 20 double-doubles and scored at least 30 points a Big 12-record 11 times."

It's honestly just unfair to have this kid in the game. Have you ever played a basketball video game and created a player? Pushed all of his stats up to 99 for no reason? Do your friends allow this?

Well, yes, they do, but only because they immediately respond with their own team of massive, super-talented freakbots. So, my solution to the existence of Kevin Durant is, of course, the immediate creation of armies of genetically altered, superhuman mutants to play basketball. We'll feed them fish heads and name them after colors of the rainbow and our favorite television sitcom characters!

"Hey, Al Borland! Did you eat the basketball? THAT'S A BAD AL BORLAND MUTANT!"

Carl Pavano Is Starting

2007-03-30T11:27:00.000-05:00

Baseball season is about to start, and as such, teams are trotting out their staff aces with hopes of getting a win on opening day. For the New York Yankees, this means Carl Pavano is starting.

"Carl Pavano will be the New York Yankees' Opening Day starter.

Pavano hasn't pitched in the majors since June 2005 due to a variety of injuries. He will be followed in the rotation by Andy Pettitte, Mike Mussina and Kei Igawa. The fifth starter spot has not been filled.

New York manager Joe Torre made the announcement Friday. "

The collective Red Sox fans of the world jointly issued the following statement in response to Torre's announcement:
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Eddie Griffin Needs To Have His Head Cut Off

2007-03-27T13:36:00.000-05:00

For probably the first time in his history, Eddie Griffin caused some irreparable damage that wasn't psychological or emotional. This time, Eddie decided it would sure be zany to WRECK A FUCKING CAR WORTH OVER A MILLION DOLLARS.

"Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier while practicing at a racetrack Monday, destroying the car but escaping uninjured.

The comedian was practicing for a charity race to promote his upcoming film, "Redline," when he drove too fast around a curve at the Irwindale Speedway. Video footage showed the red sports car screeching before it ricocheted off the barrier with heavy damage to its front."

1.5 Million? Fuck, I'd kill Eddie Griffin for a fucking packet of fruit snacks, man. This aside, the most depressing part of the story isn't even the catastrophic damage to the amazing, priceless car. No, it's the little list of Eddie Griffin's notable film appearances at the bottom, which include(and these are highlights):
1. Undercover Brother
2. Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo
3. Date Movie
4. Norbit

How is he even fucking ALIVE?

Jeff Van Gundy Is Bald

2007-03-27T13:32:00.000-05:00

Jeff Van Gundy says that he doesn't like that the lottery rewards losing, and wants all of the teams in the NBA to have an equal shot at winning the first pick in the annual college draft.

""I think every team should have an equal chance at winning the lottery, from the best team all the way down," Van Gundy told The Houston Chronicle. "I don't want to accuse anyone of anything. I would say to take away any possible conflict of interest, everyone should have an equal chance at the top pick all the way down. That way there would be absolutely no question by anybody about anything.

"If it's better for the game, they should do it. I never quite understood why losing is rewarded, other than [for] parity.""

Though Van Gundy was extremely articulate in regards to his views on reforming the draft process, OMGSports was unable to get an answer from him as to why he's such a baldy baldface. Some men, it seems, have no respect for the journalistic profession or for repeated late-night prank calls. Baldy.

God to David Wells: Hey, Fatty! You're Fat!

2007-03-19T11:16:00.000-05:00

David Wells, paragon of health, virtue, and clean living, recently admitted that he has Diabetes, but plans to beat it by power of will alone. Warm the depths of my soul with your life-affirming poetry, David!

""Obviously, this is a concern," the left-hander told the newspaper. "But it's beatable. And I'm going to beat it. It's going to take some lifestyle changes. And I'm already making them.

"From the time I found out, I made changes. No more starches and sugar. No more rice, pasta, potatoes and white bread. No more fast food. I've cut out alcohol.""

I would have full faith in David Wells if I didn't already know that he was the sort of man who could accidentally eat ten to fifteen pounds of raw beef. As in, "Whoops, I slipped, fell, and landed in myself eating fifteen pounds of raw fucking beef. I am sooooooooo clumsy!"

LSU Unwittingly A Lesbian Palace of Corruption

2007-03-09T12:16:00.000-05:00

It's always difficult for prospective college students to make a final decision regarding where they'll pursue their higher education. There are hundreds of fabulous schools in the United States, and they all have attractive academic programs, sports teams, and impressive facilities.

LSU has lesbian older women seducing innocent female athletes. Shit, they win!

"Pokey Chatman resigned as the head women's basketball coach at Louisiana State on Wednesday after the university became aware of an alleged inappropriate sexual relationship between Chatman and a former player on Chatman's team, sources told ESPN.com.

The university, the sources said, learned of the relationship from an employee within the basketball program. It was unclear when the alleged improper conduct took place, but when asked if it had occurred while the player was a member of a team coached by Chatman, a university source said, "that's my understanding.""

I have to admit that I read approximately 0% of that quote or of the accompanying news story. The reasoning? My brain and the brains of every man in human history collectively shut down instantly each time our eyes cross the word "lesbian." You might as well get out the smelling salts and the adrenaline shots, because until we either get shocked back to life or viciously tossed into a cave of hungry lesbian sex-demons, we're going to be stuck in a boner coma.

NCAA Tournament Watch: Teams On The Bubble

2007-03-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

It's March, and so it's almost time for the annual NCAA basketball tournament to get underway again. As this time approaches, a lot of confusing and outright malicious terminology gets viciously slung in the direction of casual fans, often leaving them bereft of eyes and missing large, noticeable chunks of their ears. Here at OMGSports, we're firmly committed to avoiding accidental facial mutilation, and so, to cut through some of the confusing inside terminology, we're offering a helpful service courtesy of official OMGSports correspondent John Madden.

JOHN MADDEN'S GUIDE TO COLLEGE BASKETBALL TERMINOLOGY

This week's term: "Teams On the Bubble."
You see, the thing about bubbles is that they just have no place in the world of football. Football is played on a field, and fields, you know, are made of grass and there just isn't a way for a field made of grass to produce bubbles while a football game is going on. They're just not getting the oxygen that they need for the photosynthesis.
So when you've got a team on the bubble, you've got a team that just isn't getting enough oxygen to maintain their photosynthesis. You've got guys making tackles, and you've got guys throwing touchdowns, and you've got guys who're just wearing their Brett Favre jerseys all the time without washin' 'em, and you know, that's okay. But there's only two teams in the Super Bowl at one time, so it's hard for a team that's a bubble team to get in the Super Bowl if they haven't already made it to the game. That's just good football.

Ron Artest Out Of His Damn Mind

2007-03-07T14:36:00.000-05:00

As what we can only assume is part of his lifelong effort to convince us that he is in fact the King Of Crazytown, Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest is in trouble for smacking around a girl. Bravo, Ron, bravo - that's the manly way to win street cred these days.

"Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest slapped a woman's face and grabbed her repeatedly, causing visible injuries, according to a sheriff's report made public Tuesday.

Artest was arrested Monday after a woman inside his home in a Sacramento suburb called 911 and said she had been assaulted. In a portion of the 911 tape released by authorities, the woman described injuries to her hand and leg."

That sounds bad enough, but even that disturbing description is nothing compared to the startling transcript of the 911 call regarding the incident. OMGSports was lucky enough to obtain a copy of that transcript, which is reprinted verbatim below:

Ron Artest Domestic Violence 911 Call Transcript
Dispatch: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Caller: RON RON BE BEATIN' THE HOTFOOT TO CRAZYLAND!
Dispatch: Miss, are you hurt? Is someone hurting you? Where are you located?
Caller: IT'S RON RON! HE BE BEATIN ME WITH A BAT!
Dispatch: Someone is hitting you with a baseball bat? I've notified the police, m'aam, and they can be on their way if you can give me your location.
Caller: RON RON BE BEATIN' ME WITH A BASEBALL BAT! AND IT'S ON FIRE! AND IT'S GOT LAVA!
Dispatch: I'm sorry? Please repeat what you just said, m'aam.
Caller: RON RON GOT THE BURNIN' BASEBALL LAVA BAT OF JESUS! OH, LORD, THE LAVA BAT! HIS HORNS ARE COMIN' OUT!
Dispatch: M'aam, I can't understand you.
Caller: HIS DEVIL HORNS! THEY COMIN' OUT HIS HEAD WHILE HE BE BEATIN' ME! OH LORD I'M IMPALED ON TOP OF HIS DEVIL HORNS! HE BE SHAKIN' ME AROUND IN THE AIR ON HIS DEVIL HORNS AND HITTIN' ME WITH THE LAVA BAT! OH LORD!
Dispatch: Ron Ron is beating you to death with a burning, lava-encrusted baseball bat while you lay impaled on massive devil horns growing out of his skull?
Caller: Yes.

America Still Pretending To Care About Soccer

2007-02-28T12:26:00.000-05:00

The President of FIFA (which stands for Federal International Federation Association) has said that North friggin' America should host the World Cup. Oh. Um. In 2018, that is.

""If the FIFA executive committee decides later this year that the rotation policy is maintained, in strict procedure it should be in North America in 2018 and there are three countries who could host it there -- the United States, Mexico and Canada," Blatter told a media briefing."

You might as well keep me up to date on whether or not you're going to make yourself a fucking bagel in 2046, you douchebag. Let me explain something: nothing about the future is certain, and do you know why? Because in the future there will be laser guns, time travel, and flying cars that shoot laser guns that travel through time. And you're tell me in the midst of that we're going to watch a bunch of losers kick a ball around?

Wrong answer, fucko, we're watching some motherfucking curling.

Floyd Landis Got His Pee Messed With!

2007-02-23T12:43:00.000-05:00

In news that frustratingly reminds the world that there are professional cyclists, it seems that Floyd Landis may not have been doping, after all.

"Landis was accused of doping after the urine tests indicated he had an improper testosterone ratio and suggested the presence of artificial testosterone. He faces a two-year ban and being officially stripped of his Tour de France title if the results are upheld.

The French laboratory that handled the test results may have allowed improper access to Landis' urine samples, the newspaper reported, citing records that had been turned over to the cyclist's defense. A similar lapse in protocol previously has resulted in doping cases against athletes being dismissed.

According to the report, two technicians who conducted the "A" sample on Landis were involved in tests on the second "B" sample, which is used to confirm the first test. International lab standards do not allow the same technicians to work on both tests to prevent them from attempting to validate their original findings.

Doping allegations against Spanish cyclist Inigo Landaluze were dismissed late last year when it was discovered the same lab made a similar error with his tests in 2005."

If you're a police officer, and you shoot someone and then say that somebody else did it, and that gets found out, chances are you're not going to be asked to lead the homicide unit, right?

So could someone please explain why scientists who very publicly fucked up a doping investigation already were asked to lead the investigation on a possible cheating Tour De France winner?

Also, how long before we start putting land mines on the Tour De France course? Let's spice things up a little, please.

Cincinnatti University Just Got A Whole Lot Cooler

2007-02-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

The University of Cincinnati is enduring some controversy at the moment, headlined by allegations that football recruits were wooed by parties featuring SEX ACTS and ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES. Ladies and gentlemen, fire up the puritan outrage machine!

"The allegations reportedly came from an anonymous letter dated Feb. 14 that was sent to UC president Nancy Zimpher, Daniel Cummins, the director of judicial affairs, and Barbara Rinto, the director of the UC Women's Center. The note was signed, "A Concerned Athletic Department Employee" according to the reports.

The Cincinnati Post reported that according to the letter, there were four University of Cincinnati football players and four football recruits allegedly involved in the incident. The Cincinnati Enquirer reported that the letter said the sex acts took place during a party at which alcohol was served, the sex acts were videotaped and the tapes have been circulated in UC dormitories."

I'd comment negatively on these allegations, because clearly sex and alcohol have no place on a college campus - especially those, like the University of Cincinnati, that are constructed entirely out of baby angels and virtue - in this day and age. The only problem is that I'm just far too busy filling out my transfer application to The University of Cincinnati.

Me likey the sauce and the poon.

Manny Ramirez Is Nowhere To Be Found

2007-02-19T12:48:00.000-05:00

Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez (pictured above, charmingly befuddled and lost in a Kansas cornfield where he is believed, according to Sox officials, "...to be off chasing something shiny.") will not report to Spring Training on time. This is according to ~~dickweed target of fan hatred~~ fan favorite Julian Tavarez, who says that Manny is off tending to his mother while she goes under the knife for some surgery.

""He's been going through a tough time because of his mom; they told her that she had a tumor and it wasn't a tumor, but she had surgery between her ribs and she's home right now recovering and Manny's out there with his mom," Tavarez told MLB.com.

Tavarez told MLB.com that both Ramirez and his mother are both currently in Weston, Fla.

Boston's manager, Terry Francona, said this was news to him, according to The Boston Globe."

Surgery "between the ribs" is rumored amongst doctors to be the most difficult surgery in all of the annals of medicine, trailing only Partial Brain Implosionoscopy in terms of sheer difficulty.

Sox manager Terry Francona, meanwhile, vowed to members of the media to "...finally get around to putting a fucking bell on Manny. He gets lost every goddamn five minutes; I can't leave him alone without worrying he'll wander off after a interesting-looking piece of trash and then forget to eat for four days."

Tim Hardaway: Captain Tolerance

2007-02-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

Tim Hardaway made the almost unbelievably smart decision of publicly bashing gay people as a response to the recent news that former NBA player John Amaechi is gay.

"Former Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway said on a radio show Wednesday afternoon that he would not want a gay player on his team.

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known," Hardaway said. "I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States.""

I'm tempted to comment negatively on an idiot saying something stupid, because hey, that's item #1 to address in the world of comedy. But here's the more interesting part: why the fuck do we care what a retired NBA player said about the NBA in reference to another retired, mediocre player and whom that player likes to fuck?

Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm pretty sure no one gave a shit about John Amaechi when he played for the Magic and the Jazz; he averaged 6 points and 2 rebounds for his career. That fucking sucks. Also, no one - outside of Britain, where I've read Amaechi has a tv gig - cared about John Amaechi after he retired. So why do we suddenly care if he's gay or what other people think about him being gay?

Here's your answer: John Amaechi is a douchebag, and John Amaechi likes selling copies of his book, which is, conveniently, excerpted and highly publicized by ESPN. Yeah, John, you're such a do-gooder. It's easy to be on a higher moral plateau than the rest of us when you're sitting on a huge fucking pile of money, isn't it?

Let this douchebag fade back into obscurity, please.

Scottie Pippen Is fucking old Coming Back!

2007-02-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

Scottie Pippen has made it known that he wants to come back to the NBA again. He wants to play for a contender and weasel his way to a championship, apparently, just playing for a few months and the playoffs.

"Pippen, 41, hasn't played since February 2004, when a left knee injury forced him to retire. But he told reporters Thursday that he wants to return, hopefully to a contender that could make use of his experience in a playoff run.

He said he's in good shape, his knee is fine and he'd even be willing to sign a 10-day contract to prove what he can do.

"I'm not going to be a nonstop high-flyer like I was in my prime," Pippen said. "But I can still run. I can still dunk. But most of all, I know the game." "

Pippen went on to mention that if Michael Jordan makes another, more publicized comeback shortly after his, he will "...fucking choke a bitch. Scottie don't play like dat."

The Celtics Appear To Be Having Some Difficulties

2007-02-07T12:10:00.000-05:00

Confused Boston fans have watched in agony as their beloved (tolerated?) Celtics have retardedly flailed their way to a fifteen game losing streak in recent weeks, the longest in the team's history. No one seems to have any answers for the team, and so, the only logical place to seek for help is in the greatest sports mind in the history of humanity.

JOHN MADDEN!

Coach John Madden's 100% Guaranteed Ways To Fix The Boston Celtics
I'm not a big basketball guy, because you know there's never a time when there's a football used in the game of basketball. That's just not how the game of basketball is played, so you just can't go out there with a football and tell the coach, you know, you know, "I WANNA PLAY BASKETBALL!" because then the coach is just going to not put you in the game because you've got a football and not a basketball. That's just not good football.
The problem with the Celtics right now is that they're just not doing the things that you need to do to win basketball games. If you don't do those things, then you're not gonna be in a position that you need to be in to win the games. The thing is, only one team can win a basketball game, and so there's got to be a team that's going to be the team not winning the basketball game. In basketball, that team is called the loser.
The Boston Celtics are losers.

BOOM!

Former Patriots Linebacker Is Constructed Entirely Out Of Vaginas

2007-02-02T12:37:00.000-05:00

At a recent press conference, former Patriots LB Ted Johnson blamed coach Bill Belichick for ignoring his medical problems and eventually causing him to suffer extensive, life-altering injuries.

"Johnson, who helped the Patriots win three Super Bowl titles before retiring two years ago, told The New York Times that a collision with another player during that 2002 practice led to another concussion. And, after sustaining additional concussions over the next three seasons, he now forgets people's names, misses appointments and suffers from depression and an addiction to amphetamines.

"There's something wrong with me," Johnson, 34, told the Times in a story posted on its Web site Thursday night. "There's something wrong with my brain. And I know when it started.""

Johnson then ripped off his pressed khaki pants, revealing a large vagina, whose outer lips began to flap violently along with Johnson's increasingly frantic explanations. "Is this what a man looks like?!?" Johnson screamed in a high-pitched, hysterical voice, tears forming at the corners of his distinctly feminine eyes. "I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore," he blubbered, spinning around slowly in circles so that the flaps of his giant, disgusting vagina swung out at his sides and sprayed the assembled crowd of reporters with several hundred pounds of unidentified fluid.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He shouted.

In response, Patriots coach Bill Belichick looked blankly into a camera and muttered, "Who the fuck is Ted Johnson?"

Barry Bonds Knows He's Going To Jail

2007-01-31T12:40:00.000-05:00

Here's a bad sign for the way your life is going: you have to have a provision in your contract to make sure that your employer doesn't have to pay you if you end up going to fucking jail. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wondrous life of Barry Bonds!

" Bonds' $15.8 million, one-year agreement contains a provision giving the club the right to void the deal if he is indicted, but the outfielder's agent says the language is unenforceable under baseball's collective bargaining agreement.

The unusual provision, included in the deal that was completed Monday night, is designed by the team to protect itself in case Bonds is charged in the federal government's steroids investigation. Bonds' personal trainer, Greg Anderson, is in a California federal prison because he has refused to testify whether Bonds committed perjury when he told a 2003 grand jury he never knowingly used performance-enhancing drugs.

In the contract, a list of criminal acts is spelled out in a section.

"Player acknowledges and agrees that an indictment for any criminal act under [that section] ... is proper grounds for termination of this contract," Bonds' contract states. "

To further complicate matters, OMGSports correspondents have learned that the Giants will be requiring even more provisions in any updated version of the contract. Under the new contract, Bonds' deal will be voided if he is convicted of serial child molestation, cattle mutilation, or jaywalking under the influence of prescription drugs.

In other, unrelated news, Henry Aaron spent yet another day laughing hysterically to himself and drinking champagne.

Curt Schilling Pitches Despite Imminent Death

2007-01-29T12:54:00.000-05:00

Curt Schilling says he's going to pitch for a little longer. Schilling, who was born in a corn field in the summer of 1867 and now weighs upwards of 415 pounds, says he's going at least two more years.

"At the end of last season, there was doubt Schilling would pitch in 2007, but he put that to rest before the 2006 campaign ended.

"Over the last probably 5-6 months and my wife and kids and I have been talking and we came to conclusion about a week or 10 days ago that I was not going to retire in 2007, that I was going to go ahead," Schilling told WEEI. "I always believed physically I was going to be more than OK, I feel like last year, while I certainly didn't have a year like I know I could have, toward the end I became a lot healthier and my wife and kids want me to continue to play which was the only reason I was retiring in the first place.

"Where I'm going to play beyond 2007, I hope it's Boston, but I will go out and find a home to pitch," Schilling told WEEI. "I hope it's here but there's also that possibility [of pitching for another team]. It would not be to New York.""

Before leaving the press conference, Schilling paused briefly to put on a New York Yankees baseball cap. He leaned over, smiley sheepishly into the microphone, and said, "Oh, yeah. Ignore that."

In other news, when informed of Schilling's public intent to pitch for several additional years, Roger Clemens pledged to members of the press that recent medical advancements would allow him to stay alive for all of eternity, and pitch competitively for at least fifty-six more seasons.

No word on whether anyone, anywhere, still remembers how to exit the game gracefully when their time is up.

Judge Rules Stephen Jackson Still Fucking Crazy

2007-01-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

The Text of District Court Judge Julie Nicholson's Ruling Against Stephen Jackson:
Mr. Jackson, I find you guilty of violating your parole when you fired a weapon recklessly outside an Indianapolis strip club. Furthermore, I'd like to say that there is absolutely no doubt that you are, to venture into the vernacular that the kids use these days, the single craziest motherfucker I have ever encountered. How you've managed to slip through the protective nets that keep mental cases away from normal people in our society is so far beyond my comprehension that I legitimately may be considered a retard right now.

Let me get this straight: you charged into the stands and fought paying fans? During a game? You didn't, perhaps, stop to think that A) You're fighting the people paying you and B) You're charging into 30,000 people who want to kick your ass? Did you eat finger paint as a child, Mr. Jackson? Perhaps some sort of cleaning liquid your mother kept under the sink? Perhaps it's more likely that you had no mother and simply spawned as some sort of unholy balance between the scales of good and evil.

And then you decided that, in your words, "I done did the self-defense when I shot my bang bang machine." Yes, Mr. Jackson, I see you nodding. Your bang bang machine. Well let me tell you this: firing a gun outside of a strip club (five times!) not only violates your probation, it's also a clear sign that you are fucking crazy! You shouldn't have a gun! I'm not sure you're mature enough to handle a pair of chopsticks, let alone a deadly weapon!

Jesus. I need a drink. Bailiff, take this man to the stockade. YES, I SAID THE STOCKADE! I AM THE LAW!

Yankees Brass Rocking Some Motherfucking Eggrolls

2007-01-25T14:41:00.000-05:00

The Yankees have moved a little further towards establishing a a working agreement with the Chinese Baseball Association. They're sending some executives over to talk about setting up a baseball academy, sending over trainers and coaches, and getting some awesome discounts on bottles of sake.

"According to a major league executive who has been briefed on the Yankees' intentions, the Yankees -- operating in consultation with Major League Baseball -- have been in negotiations for seven months on this deal. The Yankees' goal is to get their brand into the world's most populated nation, and put themselves in position, down the road, to scout talent, while working with members of the CBA to improve the state of baseball in China.

Similarly, the Los Angeles Dodgers and Toronto Blue Jays were the first teams to firmly establish themselves in the Dominican Republic, and benefited greatly. Nothing prevents other Major League Baseball teams from attempting to reach the same strategic alliance that the Yankees hope to soon formalize."

Yankees GM Brian Cashman seemed happy about recent negotiations with the Chinese, but it was tough to make a concrete call in that regard, as most of his most recent press conference was conducted intermittently through mouthfuls of Pork Fried Rice and Sesame Chicken. Each member of the media was supplied with a fortune cookie upon leaving the conference.

Ours said: "You are both generous and well-endowed."

Bengals Players Are Starting To Sense A Pattern

2007-01-24T12:43:00.000-05:00

Now that cornerback Johnathan Joseph has been nabbed for marijuana possession, a lot of Cincinatti Bengals players have been publicly expressing their outrage over the continued tendency of their teammates to get arrested. The gist of their comments is "Come ONNNNNNN, you guys. UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH, QUIT IT, SERIOUSLY!" but I'll reprint some anyway:

"Defensive tackle John Thornton and other Bengals told the Cincinnati Enquirer that the arrests are dragging the team down. Everyone in the locker room is affected, he said.

"Willie [Anderson], Carson [Palmer], John Thornton, the guys who do things right, have been forced to answer for the guys who decided not to do the right thing," linebacker Brian Simmons told the newspaper. "The perception of the team across the country is bad. It's as if it's going around like the plague."

"If it doesn't stop, we're not going to have any fans left, and I don't blame them. It's ridiculous," Palmer said in comments posted on the team web site."

OMGSports correspondants just didn't have the heart to inform Palmer in person of the reports that Bengals receiver Chad Johnson was recently arrested for killing and eating several orphan babies. It didn't seem like the right time, you know?

NBA Roundup: Sober Driving Is For Pussies

2007-01-22T12:31:00.000-05:00

As a professional sports league, the NBA has to be careful to cultivate a marketable, fan-friendly image. Players have to be talented, and yet accessible and articulate, as well. Also, you've gotta fucking love the happy sauce. Enter Heat rookie guard Robert Hite:

" Heat rookie Robert Hite was charged with driving under the influence early Sunday, and missed Miami's game against Dallas.

According to the Miami Beach Police report, which was first obtained by Miami television station WSVN, an officer detected a "strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath" after the player was stopped for speeding. The report also said Hite's eyes were bloodshot and his speech slurred.

Hite was processed and released on $1,000 bond at about 2 p.m., Miami-Dade Corrections spokeswoman Janelle Hall said. Hite was not at the arena for the Heat's game, which began at 1 p.m.

"I don't know anything about it. I don't know where he is," Heat interim coach Ron Rothstein said Miami's 99-93 loss. "That's all I can tell you. I don't know. I'm going to try to find out. I'm concerned but as of right now I don't know what the deal is." "

The best part about this isn't that Robert Hite slammed back fifteen bottles of everclear and then went careening recklessly around the streets of Miami. No, the best part is Ron Rothstein throwing his hands up and simply HAVING NO IDEA WHERE ONE OF HIS PLAYERS IS. I feel amazed to say this and not be talking about the Clippers or the Trailblazers, but we might have to start putting electronic ankle bracelets on players to keep them in line.

And when they get a certain distance away from their hotel or from the basketball arena, they get pounded by 500,000 volts of white-hot electricity. It's called tough love, people. We've got to communicate with the young men of our nation, and we've got to do it by killing them with sudden shock treatment on the streets.

Bill Parcells To Focus On Being Old and Impotent

2007-01-22T12:24:00.000-05:00

Bill Parcells announced his retirement from coaching on Monday. He won two championships, coached four different teams, and willingly employed Drew Bledsoe on several occasions.

Parcells told a representative from OMGSports that he planned to spend his newly increased free time with his wife and family, and, in addition, "trying my best to expand that freakish front pouch or vagina or swollen man-clit I've got going on."

Seriously, what the hell is that? Is Bill wearing a fanny pack under his shorts? Is he a fucking marsupial? Is he starring in Junior 2?

There Is, Apparently, Still Professional Hockey

2007-01-19T12:51:00.000-05:00

The Pittsburgh Penguins are still running into trouble in their attempts to convince the city to build them a new arena in which to play. The city, meanwhile, seems, well, hilariously unconcerned about their unprofitable, unloved, redheaded stepchild of a sports team's threats to ditch town.

"The Pittsburgh Penguins couldn't strike a deal for a new arena during a late-night negotiating session Thursday with Gov. Ed Rendell and local leaders, but a gubernatorial aide said an agreement could be reached soon. The Penguins' Mellon Arena lease expires at the end of the season, and the team has all but threatened to move to Kansas City, Mo., unless an agreement to build a new arena can be reached within the next few weeks.

Meeting for the second time in three weeks, the two sides didn't begin talking until Rendell arrived from Philadelphia at 9:15 p.m. EST, and the Penguins' representatives -- owner Mario Lemieux wasn't among them -- left less than two hours later. Rendell, Allegheny County chief executive Dan Onorato and Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl met for another hour, but Rendell aide Chuck Ardo said the Penguins' early exit wasn't a sign the talks didn't go well."

OMGSports ran an informal survey of hockey fans in the Pittsburgh area, to see precisely what their thoughts were on the team's continuing negotiations with the city. Here are the responses of the three fans that could be found:

1) Bill R: "Who're we talking about, again? The Steelers, right? Yeah, Big Ben's crazy, huh? Go Steelers, ha ha!"

2) Sandy B: "How did you get this number? I'm hanging up now and I'm calling the fucking police if you don't stop this heavy breathing shit, you fucking creep."

3) Tim G: "GRETZKY! GRETZKY IS GOD!"

Trot Nixon Will Fucking Scalp You

2007-01-19T12:32:00.000-05:00

An Excerpt From Trot Nixon's Forthcoming Memoir: My Life Among The Indians:

The customs are strange here. We woke with the sun at dawn, and rode our horses out to center field and gave thanks to the mighty god of the sky, who has rewarded our devotion with maze and fine, fat squaws. The chief painted my face honorably with what he said was the "...holy powder." I think it may have been that Gatorade mix that you put in water, but what're you gonna do?

After batting practice, we journeyed out into the forest. By this time I had had "the holy powder" in my system for quite a while and was beginning, I think, to feel its effects. I think this explains, mostly, my attempt to scalp Grady Sizemore, but I may have just been a little nervous and anxious to try and fit in with the rest of the guys.

We skinned and ate a stray dog we caught near the stadium's entrance to celebrate the harvest, and then retired to the clubhouse for some gambling and cursing of the white man. I think I like my new team.

Rangers Have An Opening For Sammy Sosa On The Tard Team

2007-01-17T12:51:00.000-05:00

Sammy Sosa got offered a spot on the Rangers' minor league team. Here's a list of the sort of competition he'll be facing for a spot on the major league roster.

1) Several tumbleweeds.
2) Sandra, the blind girl who lives underneath the bleachers.
3) Jose Canseco.
4) A stray dog laying in right field who may or may not be conscious.

Good luck, Sammy! Thanks for saving Major League Baseball!

Dodgers: HEY, FATTIES! GOOD EATIN'!

2007-01-12T11:01:00.000-05:00

In keeping with the philosophy that the only good fanbase is a fanbase 85 pounds overweight and half-dead from clogged arteries,the Dodgers have announced an all-you-can-eat section to be opened this season at Dodger Stadium. Here that? It's the sound of herds stampeding towards Los Angeles, people.

"The Los Angeles Dodgers are converting their right-field pavilion into all-you-can-eat bleachers. Takers will have access to as many hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, nachos and soft drinks as they want.

"Instead of paying cash, fans ask for whatever they want, and they get it. There are going to be some self-service parts, buffet-style, as well," said Dodgers executive vice president and chief operating officer Marty Greenspun.

Around 3,000 seats right-field seats will be sold for $35 in advance and $40 on game day with the all-you-can-eat special."

No word yet on whether the food will be offered on plates or, as most have agreed should be the case, in a massive, communal trough on each row of seats.

Barry Bonds: Just Kidding, Bro!

2007-01-12T10:49:00.000-05:00

When you're friends, you kid around! Everybody knows that. In fact, anybody who thinks Barry Bonds is a bad friend for recently claiming that he got shitload of amphetamines from teammate Mark Sweeney only to completely change his story the next day should take a serious look in the mirror.

In fact, if I had a nickel for every time I've made a public allegation that threatened someone's entire career just for kicks, why, I'd have a billion dollars in my pocket. "Hey, Steve," I'd yell across the office. "YOU RAPED MY WIFE!" As everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Steve in shocked silence and outrage, I'd start weeping. "YOU...YOU MONSTER!"

A few days later I'd quietly clap him on the back and tell him it was all in good fun. Of course, by that time he'd been both fired and divorced, but I think he really grasped the nuances of my humor. Don't worry, Barry, we get you!

Barry Bonds Isn't Very Good At Passing Drug Tests

2007-01-11T12:27:00.000-05:00

The New York Daily News is reporting that Barry Bonds failed a test for amphetamines last season. Shocked?

Okay, surprised? At all interested? Yeah, guess not. LOOK ANYWAY.

"When first informed of the positive test, Bonds attributed it to a substance he had taken from teammate Mark Sweeney's locker, the New York City newspaper said, citing several unnamed sources.

"I have no comment on that," Bonds' agent Jeff Borris told the Daily News on Wednesday night.

"Mark was made aware of the fact that his name had been brought up," Sweeney's agent Barry Axelrod told the Daily News. "But he did not give Barry Bonds anything, and there was nothing he could have given Barry Bonds.""

OMGSports was able to contact Bonds briefly for comment by visiting him at his off-season workout facility. The following is the transcript of the brief exchange:

OMG: Barry, it's been reported that you failed an amphetamine test. Any comments?
Bonds: (Wrapping a cord around his upper arm) No comment.
OMG: But Barry, this could mean that your records are rendered completely meaningless! You've got no response?
Bonds: (Injecting a needle full of glowing green fluid into his forearm)KEEEEEEEYYYRRAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
OMG: Barry? Are you okay?
Bonds: (Growing several feet taller and pulsating with exertion) I. REQUIRE. FLESH.
OMG: I think we'll come back.

Bonds is nothing if not elusive and difficult to peg down concerning his possible steroid use. It seems we may never know the truth regarding how clean or how dirty he may be.

Tony Allen Is Probably Done

2007-01-11T12:12:00.000-05:00

Celtics guard Tony Allen learned the dangers of jumping without a trained spotter last night. After being fouled on his way to the basket, Allen continued on his drive after the whistle blew and went up for an uncontested dunk. He came down awkwardly, and apparently tore the ACL in his knee. Tell it, ESPN:

""This is just terrible," Celtics coach Doc Rivers said. "When he came down, you could see his heel jam into the ground and I reacted right away because I could see it, I could feel it"

Rivers said Allen's injury is probably an ACL tear, but the MRI results won't be available until Thursday."

Celtics players were obviously devastated by the loss of Allen, until Coach Rivers brought them a furry young puppy to play with. After a few minutes of frolicking joyfully, they had forgotten everything. The moral of the story? Everything is okay if you've got yourself a doggy.

NFL Preview: Chargers vs. Patriots

2007-01-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

Patriots vs Chargers
Sunday, Jan. 14th 4:30 PM

Introduction
I am a Patriots fan. This will not tilt the outlook of this preview in any way.

Coaching
Bill Belichick is the greatest and smartest coach in the history of the world. Marty Shottenheimer, sadly, is not. Belichick is seemingly unaware of the near-constant praise heaped upon him by every NFL broadcaster who wants to appear knowledgeable, who joyfully screech things like, "BILL'S GAMEPLAN IS INGENIOUS! HOW CAN ANYONE HOPE TO COACH AGAINST THIS MASTERMIND?" In fact, Bill is seemingly unaware of the fact, most of the time, that he is even in public or coaching. He stands, looking vaguely confused and disappointed, while things that may or may not be positive developments for his team happen on the field. There is no connection between game and man. I think Bill Belichick might have lost his mind several years ago, and now a presence far darker, more sinister, and much more oblivious is in charge.

Marty Shottenheimer, the coach of the Chargers, has been witnessed eating dirt on the sidelines during games. It is unclear whether this is an effort to "fire up the team," as they say, or simply a sad display of dementia.

Philip Rivers: "And the breast, when you touch it, it feels, you know, like a bag of sand..."

Offense
It's unclear how old Chargers' QB Philip Rivers might actually be. According to chargers.com, he's 27, but the picture above of him leading discussion in his high school wellness class suggests to me that he's not a day over 13. That aside, he's led San Diego to the top seed in the AFC, and he's done so without anyone figuring out that he's a virgin and has only had one sip of beer in his whole life.

None of this will matter if running back Ladainian Tomlinson is as terrifyingly superhuman in his performance as he has been all season. Team officials have been reluctant to comment on the results of Tomlinson's titanium leg implant surgery, but it appears, according to documents concerning the procedure's typical results, that he should now be able to reach land speeds of up to 350 mph.

Bummer, Pats' defense.

Vince Wilfork: "I'm smellin' me some cornbread..."

Defense
The Patriots' defense will obviously have to place a defensive web of land mines around potential running lanes in order to stop LT. Another key element of this strategy is not stepping on those land mines themselves. That would make them go boom boom. No good time. Moving on.

The Chargers' defense is lead by (huge, admitted cheater) Shawne Merriman. His inspiring play at linebacker (and cheating) have really spurred his teammates on to huge performances (and cheating through steroid use) in big games.

And, I might add, HE FUCKING CHEATED. AND NO ONE CARED. MARK MCGWIRE, ANYONE? HELLO?

Bottom Line
The Chargers are explosive on offense. LT is LT, and it seems hard to imagine that he won't get his yards on the ground and through the air, but that's something the Pats' D will likely have to live with. The other guys are the ones that are hard to call. Rivers has been poised under pressure all year, but he is in his first playoff game, and jitters could lead to mistakes, and mistakes could lead to opportunistic points by a veteran squad like this.

Tom Brady has been inconsistant all season. Part of this can be explained through lack of familiarity with his fellow offensive starters, dropped passes, injuries, etc., etc. However, part of it is also, sadly, moments where he has simply screamed, "I'M TOM BRADY, FUCKO!" and hucked a ball into triple coverage and not gotten bailed out. He has made decisions that he would have never made in the past this year, and that makes even the most optimistic New England fan nervous. You have to think that he will have his shit together for this game though; the man is a competitor.

The Pick: Experience and poise over explosiveness and youth. It's the fucking playoffs. No kids allowed. Pats 31, Chargers 28

Barbaro Is Still Alive?

2007-01-10T10:47:00.000-05:00

Barbaro, who, according to various news reports, is a horse, has suffered a small setback in his recovery process.

"Barbaro has suffered a significant setback in his recovery from laminitis, with damaged tissue removed from the Kentucky Derby winner's left hind hoof. Barbaro was being treated aggressively for his discomfort and is in stable condition, according to a statement released Wednesday morning by the University of Pennsylvania's New Bolton Center. The tissue was removed Tuesday night.

"Things were marching along pretty smoothly until this," Barbaro's co-owner Gretchen Jackson said. "We've been there before with him. He's a horse that wants to live.""

Several of Barbaro's training staff reacted to this news by standing silently outside of the horse's stall and idly wondering what horse meat tastes like. What if it's not that bad? A little gamey, perhaps?

I'm not saying we should, but hey, think about it.

Lakers, Vujacic End Mavs Winning Streak

2007-01-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

The Mavericks win streak is history, thanks to a Lakers effort led by 26 from Kobe Bryant and a career high 16 points by Sasha Vujacic (pronounced "smith"). Vujacic managed to hit the clinching three-pointer with 28 seconds left, and the Lakers held on to win, 101-98.

Vujacic, a 22-year-old guard in his third season from Slovenia, told reporters after the game that he's never lacking in confidence, thanks to his difficult upbringing.

"IN HOMELAND OF SLOVENIA, THE SHEEPS ARE FOR OF EATING!" Vujacic exclaimed excitedly, pointing to pictures of stick figures he had drawn crudely in crayon. "I AM OF THE GREAT GOD OF SHEEPS!"

Phil Jackson, the Lakers' coach who won his 900th game Sunday night, shrugged sadly. "I don't know who Sasha Vujacic is. You wanna drop some acid?"

NFL Roundup: Bill Belichick Feasts Upon The Ample Rump of Eric Mangini

2007-01-08T10:25:00.001-05:00

The game was interesting enough. The Patriots thoroughly beat the Jets behind a solid, mistake-free effort from Tom Brady (22-34, 212 yards, two tds) and a stout defense seemingly featuring every big, scary football player that kicked your ass in middle school.

Chad Pennington, predictably, simply didn't have the arm to lead a comeback against monstrous physical specimens like Richard Seymour and Mike Vrabel, and the Jets fell apart in the fourth quarter. Patriots 37, Jets 16.

The real story, of course, were the exploits of Patriots coach Bill Belichick. In the middle of a pivotal Jets drive in the third quarter, a crazed Belichick threw down his clipboard, stripped awkwardly out of his cutoff team sweatshirt, and sprinted hungrily across the field. Despite the efforts of confused NFL officials and Jets personnel, Belichick tackled Jets coach Eric Mangini to the cold ground and began devouring the flesh from his body.

After a hectic ten minute struggle on the sideline, Jets players pulled the screaming, foaming Belichick off of the tattered remains of Mangini's body and deposited him in a small, electrified cage. Gillette Stadium workers took Belichick to the bowels of the stadium and administered rigorous shock therapy for several hours. The Patriots front office has provided no update as to Belichick's condition as of press time.

Jets players expressed shock after the game ended.

"He really took it to coach," said Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma. "I mean, I feel bad and all, but damn," Vilma said, shaking his head in quiet admiration. "Coach was squealin' like a little bitch."

"No, I wasn't surprised," admitted Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel. "Coach had been sayin' all week that we should tear their hearts out, and I guess he was pretty serious about that part."

Samuel quietly hung his jersey in his locker, and patted the gameball he had been awarded for his pivotal, game-sealing interception of Pennington in the fourth quarter.

"That's just football, man. Cannibalism and football go hand-in-hand, right?"

NFL Roundup: Bill Belichick Feasts Upon The Ample Rump of Eric Mangini

2007-01-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

Bill Cowher To Take Up Professional Chin-Modeling

2007-01-05T10:56:00.000-05:00

Revealing his life-long aspiration to make it as, in his words, "...one of the pretty girls," Bill Cowher has announced that he will not be returning next year to continue coaching the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Cowher went 161-99-1 during his tenure with the Steelers, and despite going a soul-crushingingly mediocre 8-8 this year, still managed to constantly keep the team both in contention and almost completely unwatchably boring. A good coach, and a terrifying man, here's hoping he has fun in retirement with...um...sitting. Yeah, that sounds awesome.

You'll never make it in the modeling world with that artificially augmented chin, Bill! THERE'S NO WAY THAT SHIT'S REAL! I KNOW YOUR SECRET, COWHER!

The Yankees Hate Tall, Menacing Freaks

2007-01-05T10:43:00.000-05:00

Randy Johnson (pictured above shortly after hurling a thunderbolt of rage at those attempting to ascend to the top of his mountain of solitude) is headed back to the Diamondbacks after a delightful two year honeymoon with the New York Yankees. New Yorkers will long fondly remember Johnson (or "Big Lovieface," as fans grew to call him), for the infectious sense of enthusiasm, caring, and life-affirming joy that he brought to the ball park every time he took the mound.

Well. That and the viscious, white-hot hatred of everything and everyone that attempted to make any sort of human connection with him, even through the slightest conversational pleasantries (which usually ended, as many can attest, with chokeslams). Allow me to speak for all Yankees fans, Randy, when I say that we'll miss you desperately.

Pat Riley's Body Is Revolting Against Him

2007-01-04T10:20:00.000-05:00

OMGSports was lucky enough to sneak a copy of Pat Riley's medical report shortly after the coach announced he was taking an indefinate leave of absence from coaching due to a series of medical problems.

MEDICAL REPORT FOR RILEY, PAT

Patient claimed to be 61-year-old caucasian with fair history of clean living and regular doctor's appointments, but a cursory examination revealed him to actually be a 367-year-old bag of sand that appears to have been consuming a toxic combination of absinthe, bleach, and crack cocaine for decades at a time.

Both of the patient's knees are completely shattered, and appear to have continued supporting Riley's bodyweight through sheer concentration of evil alone. The patient's body is covered in razor-sharp scales, and simply touching a wrist in order to check his pulse sent several orderlies to the emergency room with massive, uncontrollable fleshwounds.

The patient's genitals have, at some point, been filed down to sharp points that could pierce the armor of most United States military vehicles, let alone the sensitive flesh of a potential partner.

A psycological exam was inconclusive, but did reveal the troubling fact that Pat Riley does not understand the human concept of love.

Nick Saban Can Never Go Anywhere Near Miami Again

2007-01-04T10:07:00.000-05:00

Hey, Dolphins fans, lay the fuck off. Nick Saban gave his everything to your football team, and look at everything he brought you. Daunte Culpepper, who was the stalwart, all-pro quarterback everyone expected him to...oh, wait. Sorry, my bad.

Okay, well, despite whatever disagreements you may have about personnel decisions, there simply is no way to deny Saban's coaching credentials. After all, he lead the Dolphins to an impressive 15-17 record during his two years wait what the FUCK? 15-17?

This man picked Joey Harrington is his starting quarterback, instead of the signing the man who has become the king of all poon in New Orleans, Drew Brees?

Shouldn't Miami be throwing a parade and desperately contacting Saban's agents and trying to set up an ultimate fighting championship match between Nick and obvious mutant warrior/linebacker Zach Thomas? Is there any Miami fan who wouldn't throw down $20 for that?

Brett Favre Will Not Fucking Die

2006-12-22T10:27:00.000-05:00

Brett Favre came a terrifying inch closer to securing a completely undeserved playoff birth for the Packers by beating the Vikings last night, 9-7. The game, which approximately all thirty-three subscribers to the NFL network were able to watch, featured an intriguing matchup of Favre and Vikings' rookie QB Tavaris Jackson. Sadly, this match-up turned out to be the rough equivalent of a 97 year-old man fighting an infant, because neither of them appeared to have the slightest goddamn clue what they were doing. Favre threw 2 picks while going 25 for 50, and Jackson gained a mind-numbing 50 yards passing on 10 for 20.

Honestly, at some point, Brett has to die of natural causes. And we'll think that that's the end, but the sheer power of his will and the black magic of John Madden's long-standing man crush will keep just alive enough that the Packers' offensive line can keep dragging him around Lambeau, face-down on the grass, pissing, shitting, and moaning incoherently. And he'll still manage 10-15 touchdowns, because, hey, he's fucking Brett Favre and he's the best football player in history, even half-dead, unconscious, and unable to control his bowels.

I think his bowels might manage a better completion percentage than Tavaris Jackson.

Dontrelle Likey The Sauce

2006-12-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

ESPN is reporting that Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving early this morning.

"An officer saw the former NL rookie of the year stop his black Bentley in the South Beach neighborhood, get out of the car around 4:30 a.m. and urinate in the street. Miami Beach police spokesman Bobby Hernandez said the officer noticed signs of intoxication as he approached Willis, who failed a field sobriety test.

'He couldn't keep his balance, he had a strong smell of alcohol,' Hernandez said."

I like playing police officer! Let's see. Someone is driving erratically, and then pulls over and starts pissing all over the road. He also reeks of booze. Let's go with...um...jaywalking? Voter fraud? Oh, fuck, that's right! Drunken driving! That makes sense! Man, this cop shit is hard, huh?

Listen, arresting someone who stinks of alcohol while they're pissing in the road at 4 in the morning for suspicion of drunken driving is like arresting Rosie O'Donnell on suspicion of being morbidly obese. We pretty much know that for certain, don't we?

Allen "The Big Nugget" Iverson!

2006-12-20T18:51:00.000-05:00

A transcript of the first conversation between Nuggets coach George Karl and newly acquired superstar Allen Iverson:

Karl: Hi there, Allen, it's a pleasure to have you on my team.
Iverson: WASSUP WHITEY! GUNS AND FORTIES, KNOW WHAT I'M SAAAAAAAAAYIN?
Karl: Well then. That's certainly some very colorful dialect you've got there.

AI takes a bad rap for being obviously emblematic of white america's difficulty with black culture. It's unfortunate, because OMGSports firmly believe's he's the most underappreciated guy in the league. That being said, do I believe it'll work out? I hope so, because the guy deserves to win, but...um....there is the slight problem of the Nuggets roster, which depends, to an alarming degree, on the shaky legs of people like Kenyon Martin, Nene, and Marcus Camby.

We'll see.

JD Drew Might Have A Defective Shoulder

2006-12-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

Turns out all those reports about JD Drew being injury-prone were, um, completely fucking right. The Boston Globe is reporting that there are some "issues" with Drew's shoulder, and that the Red Sox are asking for a second examination of it.

It's still unknown as to whether or not the iregularity could have some impact on Drew's 70 million dollar deal, or even how serious the condition is, but here's a short list of conditions OMGSports has discovered it could be:

1) Dinosaur Bite: Sometimes, even the noble-hearted Tyrannosaurus gets pissed off, and maybe JD stepped a little too close. I know I'd take a bite out of some fucker's shoulder if he pissed me off and I happened to be in possession of a 7-foot jaw with razor teeth.

2) Fell Off A Building: The impact of a 100-story fall to unforgiving concrete might tweak your shoulder a bit.

3) Various Robot Laser Battles: Vicious battle droids are seering your flesh in another galaxy and you're expected to play baseball?!?

LT Pisses On Your Father's Record Books

2006-12-18T09:49:00.000-05:00

LaDainian Tomlinson sent a warm stream of righteous, triumphant urine splashing all over the NFL record books yesterday, scoring his 30th and 31st touchdowns in a win over the Chiefs. Tomlinson now holds the single season records for touchdowns, rushing touchdowns, points scored, consecutive multi-touchdown games, and the largest penis in NFL history.

In other news, former touchdown record holder Shaun Alexander celebrated the news of Tomlinson's accomplishment by screaming into a pillow for two hours.

The Suns Are Pretty Good At Basketball

2006-12-14T09:08:00.000-05:00

In stark contrast to my preseason prediction of an 0-82 season highlighted by Steve Nash losing both legs in a dramatic threshing accident, the Suns won their 12th straight game last night over the Miami Heat. Huh. Guess they're good at that whole basketball thing, huh?

I'd compliment the Suns on playing winning ball and everything, but excuse me if I hesitate before crowning them for beating the Heat without Shaq and D-Wade, which is the rough equivalent of being proud for being able to kick the ass of a teddy bear. That has been tied down. And burned.

It's not that impressive. Sure, the Suns will win 60-odd games this year. Yes, people will fawn over Steve Nash for being a good point guard - but will strangely ignore that he's a complete liability on the defensive end of the floor and will be exploited come playoff time - and then they'll all be shocked when San Antonio or Dallas fuck them in the ass so hard that former Suns players across the world die from sudden internal bleeding. Enjoy your regular season.

The Red Sox Sign Captain Diceface

2006-12-14T08:55:00.000-05:00

The Red Sox, as part of their continuing effort to sign the entire nation of Japan to multi-million dollar contracts, hooked up Daisuke Matsuzaka with a sweet-ass load of cash as of last night.

Matsuzaka got six years for around 52 million, and will be encountering absolutely no pressure from Boston sports fans, Boston sports writers, American media members, the traveling, bloodthirsty pack of Asian media members that will trail him at every turn and demand blood sacrifice for their continuing devotion and protective samurai magic, or anyone else.

He's certainly not being counted on, at 26 and in suddenly in the middle of a new country with a somewhat eccentric fanbase, to be the ace of a pitching staff in the toughest league in the world to consistantly perform in.

Oh wait, yes he is. Fuck.

The Rangers Hate Money

2006-12-13T09:07:00.000-05:00

I swear to God, my head is going to explode if I have to keep explaining to Major League Baseball teams that Scott Boras is not a person with whom you want to fuck around. Boras worked his black magic once again yesterday, sliming his way into a $6 million dollar deal for Greg Gagne. Yes, 16 games played in two seasons Greg Gagne.

Hey, Rangers. Um. Can we talk for a sec? Yeah, remember when Scott Boras got you to pay $252 million for A-rod? That sucked, huh? Pretty bad decision, you could say. Also, just for the sake of reference, when Scott got you to give Chan Ho Park $65 million. He's working out well. Oh, and Kevin Millwood for another $60 million.

And just this offseason, you've also committed almost $50 million to Vincente Padilla (a joy-inducing 15-10, 4.50 era) and Frank Catalanatto (Might not even be a real person). Oh, and Kenny Lofton! Kenny Lofton is the key to your outfield?!? Kenny Lofton played with Albert Belle! And David Justice! These fuckers were in my MLB '94 Sega Genesis game!

I hate baseball.

The Cowboys Are Building Futureland Stadium

2006-12-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

So let's say you had just lost in embarassing fashion to the Saints and been exposed in pretty much every phase of the game. As a football owner, what cautious, level-headed, prudent step would you take to assure the masses that the ship will be righted and the team firmly on its way to the playoffs and success?

Well, spend a billion dollars, fucktard.

That's right, the astoundingly inhuman Jerry Jones recently announced the Cowboys' plans to build a new stadium in Arlington for 1 billion dollars. Not to mention that this sounds fucking absurd just on the surface ("Hey, how much for the new stadium, Jerry?" "A BILLION DOLLARS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALOL!!!1!"), just look at some of the specs of the soon-to-be-monster, courtesy of Blogging The Boys:

"The new $1 billion stadium, the largest and most expensive in the NFL, will be the Cowboys' home, but it will be built with a bigger world in mind.

It will feature more than twice the square footage of Texas Stadium and cost nearly 30 times more. The stadium will also seat 80,000 fans on an average day and accommodate up to 100,000 for special events, such as the Super Bowl.

The skin will consist of fritted glass panels, mostly 4 by 6 feet, that become increasingly transparent as they rise, giving this 80,000-seat structure a surprising lightness and sleekness, as well as a subtle blue and silver glow at night when the roof seems to float on a bed of light like, well, a spaceship. The side walls curve 14 degrees in response to the shape of the seating bowl, while at the two ends massive glass doors open onto plazas for pregame festivities."

No word yet on how much of the stadium will be built from or patrolled by laser-wielding robots from the future. We can only hope.

David Stern: "My bad, dog."

2006-12-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

David Stern announced that the NBA is switching back to leather balls! Yay!

"Despite an unrelenting stream of player complaints about the new synthetic model from the first day of training camp in October, skepticism was high among players leaguewide that Stern would consent to a change during the season.

But with a number of prominent stars reporting cuts on their fingertips and hands caused by the new ball's high-friction cover -- Phoenix's Steve Nash, New Jersey's Jason Kidd and Dallas' Dirk Nowitzki among them -- Stern was forced to concede that an in-season swap was unavoidable because the new ball is inflicting injuries."

Yes, it actually took physical harm coming to his players before David Stern relented. I'm told that shortly after Walter McCarty touched the ball in this picture his anus actually burst into flames, killing him almost instantly. Even given these sorts of serious developments, Sterny just couldn't resist a little passive-aggressive "I'm Still The Fucking Boss, Bitch" kind of dig at the players:

"'Our players' response to this particular composite ball has been consistently negative and we are acting accordingly,' Stern said in a statement. 'Although testing performed by Spalding and the NBA demonstrated that the new composite basketball was more consistent than leather and statistically there has been an improvement in shooting, scoring and ball-related turnovers, the most important statistic is the view of our players.'"

Even though, you know, everyone in the world said that I'm right and you're wrong, fine, we'll do it your way. Whiners.

Rex Grossman Still Has A Job

2006-12-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

Cancel the reservation, Dancing With The Stars! Rex Grossman had a good game against the Rams, you bitches! Look how happy the little tyke looks, too! Don't you just want to give him a chocolate chip cookie and a jumprope to take out to the playground?

Grossman completed 13 of 23 passes and threw for two touchdowns in a 42-27 victory over the Rams on Monday Night Football last night. Congratulations, buddy, this is almost enough to make me forget that you've thrown 17 interceptions this year. Almost.

Also, this is almost enough to make me forget that your best performances this year have come against the following: Green Bay, Detroit, Buffalo, San Francisco, a banged -up Seahawks team early in the season, and a borderline-suicidal New York Giants squad that appear to feed themselves almost exclusively off the suffering of their head coach. This is supposed to make me confident in Rex Grossman? Yeah, way to go, buddy, you went to town on a defense ranked 30th in the league in Points Allowed, and 22nd in Yards Allowed. Perhaps it really is Rex Grossman's world and we're just living in it.

Or perhaps if there was a competent quarterback in charge of the dominant defense and special teams that the Bears feature to guide them through their creampuff schedule, we'd actually be talking about an undefeated team and the collective heart failures of the '72 Dolphins. Also, I wouldn't have to feel bad when I read all the Bears fans desperately trying to convince themselves that this kid isn't going to blow the season for them.

Damn you, Rex.

The 76ers Will Give You Anything To Take Allen Iverson Off Their Hands

2006-12-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

The 76ers really, really want to get rid of Allen Iverson. Chris Sheridan and others are reporting that Philly is going to shit its fucking pants if a deal doesn't get done by Monday night.

"A source close to Iverson has told ESPN.com that Sixers brass met Sunday to go over the various trade proposals that have come in over the past few days. One or two three-team trade proposals were expected to be explored Monday, and the source said the Sixers were inclined to pull the trigger shortly thereafter -- either Monday night or Tuesday."

At this point, knowing that neither the Wolves, Celtics, Nuggets, or even the Knicks - did I seriously just say that the Knicks weren't interested in trading for a big contract? Am I fucking high or is this just the Twilight Zone? - can really offer anything worthwhile for AI, aren't you having a field day if you're an NBA GM right now? I'd be calling the 76ers every ten minutes with trade possibilities. Offer them your worst player. Offer them the negotiating rights to your mascot. Offer them a bag of day-old bagels at this point, dude, they need to get rid of the guy. They've gotta get something, and hey, maybe it'll be a package of semi-stale breakfast items.

Late Update: Hey, Anyone Care About Troy Smith?

2006-12-11T09:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, Troy Smith won the Heisman. No, no one cares. If anything, this should show you how irrelevant college football will continue to be until we get a fucking playoff to determine the national champion.

But criticisms of the BCS aside, let's give some acknowledgement to Troy. It's not easy to win the Heisman Trophy, and that honor only goes to the most talented, successful players in the history of the game. Such luminaries as Ty Detmer, Rashaan Salaam, Ron Dayne, Eric Crouch, Danny Wueffel, Chris Weinke, and Jason White have won the....wait, Ty Detmer? Eric Crouch?

Holy shit, Troy, throw that fucking trophy away and change your name. You're doomed.

Suck Alert: The Colts

2006-12-11T08:47:00.000-05:00

There's no way to dress this up with the English language, folks. The Colts were hammered by the Jags Sunday, 44-17. To be honest with you, "hammered" doesn't really do the experience justice. Perhaps "Brutally Raped In A Prison Laundry Room With A Hammer" is a little more accurate. Tell it, Len Pasquarelli:

"Ever seen one of those Roadrunner cartoons when eternal foil Wile E. Coyote is inevitably flattened into pancake status by the bulldozer he has purchased from the Acme Novelty Co.? On Sunday, the Colts fielded an entire unit of Wile E. Coyote defenders. And they all played as if they were trying out their best Venus de Milo poses. You know, no arms."

Man, when you're burned by a douche like Len Pasquarelli through the use of Looney Tunes references and Venus de Milo shoutouts, it might just be time to give up football and look into something a little less stressful as a career option. Maybe lazily picking flowers in a sunlit meadow with hopping bunnies, buzzing honeybees, and singing choirs of rosy-cheeked cherubs is more your speed, guys. You won't get, you know, kicked in the fucking teeth on national television doing that, so it's probably more up your alley.

Have I mentioned nothing makes me happier than the idea of Peyton Manning in ten years, without a championship, stuck in a CBS analyst job, trying to force the same smile that we see in Dan Marino right now?

"Don't worry guys, they're not saying boo, they're saying mooooooooovers."

Fucking douchebag.

ps, there's no better source of entertainment than the message board of shocked Colts fans. I'm doing cartwheels of joy.

Danny Ainge: "No, I Kinda Like Losing. We'll Keep Doc."

2006-12-10T16:04:00.000-05:00

In a move that strikes absolutely no one as either inspirational, smart, or endearingly loyal, Danny Ainge says he's sticking by Doc Rivers no matter what this year. Read this and try not to punch through your monitor:

"The Globe said that Ainge was asked directly if Rivers would remain the team's coach throughout the year even if the Celtics lost the rest of their games, to which Ainge replied, 'Yes.'"

I understand not wanting to desert the ship and all, but doesn't this comment stray a little too close to the "Delusional Idiot With No Conception of the State of His Basketball Team" status? Are any other Celtics fans worried here?

Reporter: Danny, let's say that Doc suddenly has a massive stroke and cannot move his extremities or communicate in any way. Is he still your coach?
Danny: Yes. Absolutely.

Reporter: Okay, Danny, let's say that while Doc is casually striding down a hotel hallway, a giant blade suddenly swings out from a hidden compartment in the walls and slices him clean in half. Who's your guy?
Danny: I've gotta stick with Doc.

Reporter: What if Doc is actually revealed to have severe Down's Syndrome, Danny?
Danny: He's coach.
Reporter: AND his family actively cooperated with the Nazis.
Danny: Still my guy.
Reporter: AND he's a direct descendent of Lucifer.
Danny: Staying with Doc.
Reporter: AND HE KILLS EVERYONE IN BOSTON!
Danny: Doc. Rivers.

I hate being a Celtics fan.

Bob Knight Has Won A Shitload Of Games

2006-12-07T13:39:00.000-05:00

Bob Knight tied Adolph Rupp for the 2nd-most wins in Division 1 Basketball history last night as Texas Tech beat Lousiana Tech, 66-59. Bobby's now won 876 games in his coaching career, which leaves just a few shy of Dean Smith's all-time record.

After the game, Knight refused to over-celebrate his milestone achievement. Instead, Knight, ever the tireless teacher of the joys of the game, instructed his team on the intricacies of the 2-3 zone by mercilessly slamming their faces down on a bed of burning hot coals, one by one.

Mediocre Pitchers Have Enough Money To Have You Killed

2006-12-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

Almost-competent pitchers across the Major Leagues got fuckin' paiiiiiiiiid yesterday, dude. It's official, Jason Schmidt and Ted Lilly can both go ahead and start construction on their solid-gold palaces and get those grillz they've been hoping for. The two of them - who were a combined 26-22 last year, just in case anyone's actually wondering - signed deals worth a combined $87 million yesterday.

I realize I shouldn't criticize free-spending, as my favorite team just threw a combined $106 million at two guys who had trouble fitting in on the fucking Dodgers last year. That aside, I can't help but wonder if anyone reminded the Cubs of Lilly's history of, oh, I don't know, GETTING INTO FISTFIGHTS WITH HIS MANAGER:

"In August, Lilly exchanged words on the mound with Toronto manager John Gibbons during a pitching change and it turned physical a few minutes later in a tunnel leading from the dugout. While both men said no punches were thrown, Gibbons wound up with a bloody nose after the scuffle during the third inning of a 12-10 loss to the Oakland Athletics."

Bet that won't come up when he's playing for obvious crazy person Lou Piniella. By the way, in case you were doubting the validity of that claim, well, just check how much of a fan favorite he already is in Cubs-town: fireloupiniella.net. Honestly, the downfall of the Cubs gets more and more entertaining every year. The only way this could possibly get better is if someone just hung a machete from the ceiling of the Cubs' dugout before every home game. Once August comes around and the Cubbies are 45 games below .500, go ahead and try to tell me that no one's eyeing that blade.

Gooooooo Cubs!

Obese Hollis Thomas Is On Steroids?!?

2006-12-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

Saints' defensive tackle Hollis Thomas - featured above searching the horizon for steak sandwiches and ice cream - has been suspended by the NFL for four games for violating the steroid abuse policy. But wait, it's not that simple:

"During his appeal, John Amoss, who is the Saints' team doctor and an assistant professor at the LSU Health Science Center, sent a letter to the league in support of Thomas. Amoss said Thomas has severe asthma problems and requires a high dose of inhaled steroids to breathe. According to the doctor, Thomas needs a long acting beta agonist and a short acting beta agonist to control his asthma.

During his August drug test, the defensive tackle was taking an asthma product called Advair twice a day while also using an inhaler four times a day."

Turns out that Big Hollis needs asthma medication, you know, TO FUCKING LIVE. Let's go ahead and give the NFL a big round of applause for punishing a man for gaining an unfair competitive advantage through the use of steroids; that is, a 355-pound defensive tackle who will die instantly if he doesn't take his medication. You're telling me that this guy, who has struggled with remaining at his playing weight for his entire career, is secretly cheating through the use of Advair?!? IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING INHALER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

Tell me this doesn't have something to do with the complaints that the NFL doesn't do enough about steroid enforcement. I dare you. Tell me Shawne Merriman has nothing to do with this. Tell me that you still think that the Saints' luck is finally looking up. Tell me you don't get pissed off when you imagine Hollis Thomas, sobbing into a motherfucking sack of cheese fries because his season has been ended in the middle of a playoff race because he was born with fucking asthma.

I hate sports.

The Red Sox Sign Everyone In The World

2006-12-06T08:34:00.000-05:00

The Red Sox committed roughly the combined gross national product of the entire European Union to free agents JD Drew and Julio Lugo, says Boston Globe reporting monkey Gordon Edes.

"Agent Scott Boras confirmed yesterday that the Sox had completed a five-year, $70 million deal for outfielder J.D. Drew, who almost certainly will bat fifth and play right field. Then, late last night, the Sox struck a four-year, $36 million deal for their No. 1 target at shortstop, Julio Lugo, the onetime Tampa Bay Devil Ray whose glove is vastly inferior to that of departing shortstop Alex Gonzalez but who gives Francona a dynamic, speedy offensive player who projects to bat leadoff or second."

There are several things I like to avoid seeing when I'm reading an article about my favorite baseball team. Firstly, the phrase "all perished in a horrific, fiery plane crash that, ironically, ended directly in the center of Fenway Park." The second phrase is "Scott Boras." I'm not a priest or a holy man of any sort, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that Scott Boras is a qualified deputy of the Lord of Darkness, and has been known to celebrate the signing of lucrative contracts by his clientele by drinking the preserved blood of the baby Jesus.

It's where he gets his power.

In all seriousness, I'm a fan of JD Drew (pictured above, saying the following: "MEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"). 20+ homers, 100+ rbis, another athelete in the outfield seems a pretty significant upgrade from Mr. Trot "Always Seemingly Just Arrived From A Barfight" Nixon. I'd love to see Trot kick someone in the teeth, granted, but he played approximately 1 1/2 games last year, while spenidng the rest of his time refining his ability to strike-out and kill momentum and his tobacco-chewing prowess.

Julio Lugo, on the other hand, is, my research staff tells me, "an old guy." He may or may not still use a walker and, some scouts report, actually requires full-time dialysis in order to, you know, not die. He is in reality 31, but $36 mill still seems like an awful lot to pay a guy who flounded with the Dodgers over the last two months of the season. You're hitting .255 with a team in a relatively big market in the middle of a penant race? And you want to come to Boston? Really?

God Punishes Kobe Bryant

2006-12-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

You know what they say about God. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good or are Kobe Bryant and probably got away with raping a girl in Colorado a few years ago. Whatever the case may be, God said "FUCK YOU!" to Kobe Bryant last night, snapping his ankle in two during a game against the Pacers.

Okay, so maybe Kobe didn't rape anybody, and presumably, his ankle - described as "...a moderate sprain," - wasn't actually brutally snapped in half by the wrath of God himself, but who can be sure? Kobe did just score 52 a few nights ago, and any NBA fan knows that that's only 750,000 points away from God's single-game NBA scoring mark.

Maybe the big guy got worried.

Joe Paterno: "I'm Still Alive, Fuckos!"

2006-12-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

At a recent press conference, Joe Paterno confirmed the fears of Penn State's athletics department and said that he planned to continue coaching for many years, and would maintain his white-knuckle grip on the football program from beyond the grave. Okay, I made that last part up, but he did say that he's not going anywhere:

"'I don't want to walk away from it because of this little bit of a setback,' Paterno said in a teleconference. 'I had not intended to walk away from it in the next couple years because I didn't have any plans, and I still don't have any plans to walk away.'"

And really, that's good news. Joe's a good coach; the Lions went a semi-respectable 8-4 this year. Besides, players need a coach to relate to, and who better for them to talk to about pressing college kid issues like bowel control, mashing your food up into paste so you can gum it, and the debate between walkers vs. wheelchairs. Come to Penn State, kids!

Brian Scalabrine Is The Greatest Basketball Player Of All Time

2006-12-04T09:31:00.000-05:00

Celticsblog has links up to a few Globe stories on Celtics superstar Brian Scalabrine, and not surprisingly, they're all very much supportive of the great things that he does for the basketball teamwaitasecond WHAT?

Brian Scalabrine is many things. The anchor of the All-Awkward Whiteboy All-Stars? Sure, he's co-captain with Mark Eaton and Danny Ferry. An inspirational story for anyone completely lacking in athletic ability and/or skill? Absolutely. If it wasn't for Brian, I wouldn't be declaring myself eligible for the NBA, MLB, and NFL Drafts without fail every year despite being born with no arms or legs - I know what you're thinking, and I type with my mind.

One thing Brian is not is a good basketball player. And I don't think that Celticsblog or the Globe's NBA beat writers would say as much if they truly fathomed the consequences of their outlandish statements. You see, every time you say "I don't think Brian Scalabrine is that bad," an NBA legend somewhere bursts into flames. So the next time you feel like trying to be nice to a guy making $15 million dollars for averaging 12 minutes a game and just under 2 points, please take a second to imagine what Bill Walton looks like on fire.

Okay, bad example.

NFL Roundup: Colts Lose, Peyton Manning Turns Pouting Like A Bitch Into An Art Form

2006-12-03T16:36:00.000-05:00

As a Patriots fan, there is nothing that makes me happier than the idea of Peyton Manning's suffering. I have to actually store up chunks of Peyton Manning's suffering for my body to subsist on during the NFL offseason. Vince Young played another good game, and some dude you've never heard of named Rob Bironas kicked a 60 yard field goal with 7 seconds left to seal it for the Titans. Titans over Colts, 20-17.

Speaking of the Patriots, sometimes I wonder what I would do if I ran into Bill Belichick on the street. I'd like to think that I'd stop and thank him for being the flat-out smartest coach of his generation, but part of me realizes that I'd probably just say, "Jesus christ, smelly, here's a quarter. Buy yourself a new sweatshirt and get a job." Despite an NFL-record 1,500 turnovers (no exaggeration), the Patriots squeek by the Lions, 28-21.

The Bears went ahead and clinched against the Vikings. Congratulations, Chicago, you've made the NFC even more pointless to pay attention to unless you're like me and actively rooting for a career-ending injury to Tony Romo so everyone will shut the fuck UP about him for a second. If he starts dating Lindsay Lohan, I'm going to go hole up in an underground bunker until this guy comes hurtling back down to mediocrity and anonymity next season.

LaDanian Tomlinson scored his 880th touchdown of the season as the Chargers beat the Bills, 24-21. Seriously, people are going to start putting land mines in the field, LT. Slow the fuck down, you're making Shaun Alexander cry.

The Red Sox Sign Hideki Okajima

2006-11-30T19:59:00.000-05:00

Boston.com is reporting that the Red Sox have signed Japanese lefty reliever Hideki Okajima to bolster their bullpen.

The deal apparently runs for $1.25 million per season for two years, and should provide some reliable help for the Sox staff, not to mention a formidable opponent for Daisuke Matzusaka to battle with his flaming samurai sword.

David Ortiz, unfortunately, exclusively utilizes a giant battle axe.

Allen Iverson Doesn't Give A Shit About Bowling

2006-11-30T19:33:00.000-05:00

Reading this story, you'd think that no one has ever met Allen Iverson before. Were people seriously running around, firing guns in the air in blind panic when Allen Iverson didn't show up for a bullshit team function?

In other, less surprising news, you can bet your fucking life that Kyle Korver showed up for the team bowl-off. He's doesn't exactly look like he's out thuggin' with mad bitches, now does he?

Michael Vick Gets Fucking Fined For Obscenity

2006-11-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

Not that any rational human being cares, but Mike Vick is being fined $20,000 for showing a bunch of douchbags his finger. As quoted from ESPN.com:

"The incident for which Vick was fined occurred shortly after the Falcons lost to the Saints, 31-13, a defeat in which the Georgia Dome crowd jeered the home team and its quarterback much of the day. As Vick was heading toward the tunnel that leads to the Falcons' locker room, he exchanged words with fans screaming at him, then alternately extended the middle fingers of both hands."

Normally I would criticize the world for being so absurdly concerned when an adult who is being harassed responds in kind. Unfortunately, I just found out that swear words and obscene gestures make baby angels explode into flames and fall screaming from Heaven. Sorry, NFL. You were right about that one.