Monday, January 8, 2007
NFL Roundup: Bill Belichick Feasts Upon The Ample Rump of Eric Mangini
The game was interesting enough. The Patriots thoroughly beat the Jets behind a solid, mistake-free effort from Tom Brady (22-34, 212 yards, two tds) and a stout defense seemingly featuring every big, scary football player that kicked your ass in middle school.
Chad Pennington, predictably, simply didn't have the arm to lead a comeback against monstrous physical specimens like Richard Seymour and Mike Vrabel, and the Jets fell apart in the fourth quarter. Patriots 37, Jets 16.
The real story, of course, were the exploits of Patriots coach Bill Belichick. In the middle of a pivotal Jets drive in the third quarter, a crazed Belichick threw down his clipboard, stripped awkwardly out of his cutoff team sweatshirt, and sprinted hungrily across the field. Despite the efforts of confused NFL officials and Jets personnel, Belichick tackled Jets coach Eric Mangini to the cold ground and began devouring the flesh from his body.
After a hectic ten minute struggle on the sideline, Jets players pulled the screaming, foaming Belichick off of the tattered remains of Mangini's body and deposited him in a small, electrified cage. Gillette Stadium workers took Belichick to the bowels of the stadium and administered rigorous shock therapy for several hours. The Patriots front office has provided no update as to Belichick's condition as of press time.
Jets players expressed shock after the game ended.
"He really took it to coach," said Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma. "I mean, I feel bad and all, but damn," Vilma said, shaking his head in quiet admiration. "Coach was squealin' like a little bitch."
"No, I wasn't surprised," admitted Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel. "Coach had been sayin' all week that we should tear their hearts out, and I guess he was pretty serious about that part."
Samuel quietly hung his jersey in his locker, and patted the gameball he had been awarded for his pivotal, game-sealing interception of Pennington in the fourth quarter.
"That's just football, man. Cannibalism and football go hand-in-hand, right?"
Chad Pennington, predictably, simply didn't have the arm to lead a comeback against monstrous physical specimens like Richard Seymour and Mike Vrabel, and the Jets fell apart in the fourth quarter. Patriots 37, Jets 16.
The real story, of course, were the exploits of Patriots coach Bill Belichick. In the middle of a pivotal Jets drive in the third quarter, a crazed Belichick threw down his clipboard, stripped awkwardly out of his cutoff team sweatshirt, and sprinted hungrily across the field. Despite the efforts of confused NFL officials and Jets personnel, Belichick tackled Jets coach Eric Mangini to the cold ground and began devouring the flesh from his body.
After a hectic ten minute struggle on the sideline, Jets players pulled the screaming, foaming Belichick off of the tattered remains of Mangini's body and deposited him in a small, electrified cage. Gillette Stadium workers took Belichick to the bowels of the stadium and administered rigorous shock therapy for several hours. The Patriots front office has provided no update as to Belichick's condition as of press time.
Jets players expressed shock after the game ended.
"He really took it to coach," said Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma. "I mean, I feel bad and all, but damn," Vilma said, shaking his head in quiet admiration. "Coach was squealin' like a little bitch."
"No, I wasn't surprised," admitted Patriots cornerback Asante Samuel. "Coach had been sayin' all week that we should tear their hearts out, and I guess he was pretty serious about that part."
Samuel quietly hung his jersey in his locker, and patted the gameball he had been awarded for his pivotal, game-sealing interception of Pennington in the fourth quarter.
"That's just football, man. Cannibalism and football go hand-in-hand, right?"
Labels: Bill Belichick, Eric Mangini, Jets, NFL, Patriots
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