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Patriots vs Chargers
Sunday, Jan. 14th 4:30 PM

Introduction
I am a Patriots fan. This will not tilt the outlook of this preview in any way.

Coaching
Bill Belichick is the greatest and smartest coach in the history of the world. Marty Shottenheimer, sadly, is not. Belichick is seemingly unaware of the near-constant praise heaped upon him by every NFL broadcaster who wants to appear knowledgeable, who joyfully screech things like, "BILL'S GAMEPLAN IS INGENIOUS! HOW CAN ANYONE HOPE TO COACH AGAINST THIS MASTERMIND?" In fact, Bill is seemingly unaware of the fact, most of the time, that he is even in public or coaching. He stands, looking vaguely confused and disappointed, while things that may or may not be positive developments for his team happen on the field. There is no connection between game and man. I think Bill Belichick might have lost his mind several years ago, and now a presence far darker, more sinister, and much more oblivious is in charge.

Marty Shottenheimer, the coach of the Chargers, has been witnessed eating dirt on the sidelines during games. It is unclear whether this is an effort to "fire up the team," as they say, or simply a sad display of dementia.


Philip Rivers: "And the breast, when you touch it, it feels, you know, like a bag of sand..."

Offense
It's unclear how old Chargers' QB Philip Rivers might actually be. According to chargers.com, he's 27, but the picture above of him leading discussion in his high school wellness class suggests to me that he's not a day over 13. That aside, he's led San Diego to the top seed in the AFC, and he's done so without anyone figuring out that he's a virgin and has only had one sip of beer in his whole life.

None of this will matter if running back Ladainian Tomlinson is as terrifyingly superhuman in his performance as he has been all season. Team officials have been reluctant to comment on the results of Tomlinson's titanium leg implant surgery, but it appears, according to documents concerning the procedure's typical results, that he should now be able to reach land speeds of up to 350 mph.

Bummer, Pats' defense.


Vince Wilfork: "I'm smellin' me some cornbread..."

Defense
The Patriots' defense will obviously have to place a defensive web of land mines around potential running lanes in order to stop LT. Another key element of this strategy is not stepping on those land mines themselves. That would make them go boom boom. No good time. Moving on.

The Chargers' defense is lead by (huge, admitted cheater) Shawne Merriman. His inspiring play at linebacker (and cheating) have really spurred his teammates on to huge performances (and cheating through steroid use) in big games.

And, I might add, HE FUCKING CHEATED. AND NO ONE CARED. MARK MCGWIRE, ANYONE? HELLO?

Bottom Line
The Chargers are explosive on offense. LT is LT, and it seems hard to imagine that he won't get his yards on the ground and through the air, but that's something the Pats' D will likely have to live with. The other guys are the ones that are hard to call. Rivers has been poised under pressure all year, but he is in his first playoff game, and jitters could lead to mistakes, and mistakes could lead to opportunistic points by a veteran squad like this.

Tom Brady has been inconsistant all season. Part of this can be explained through lack of familiarity with his fellow offensive starters, dropped passes, injuries, etc., etc. However, part of it is also, sadly, moments where he has simply screamed, "I'M TOM BRADY, FUCKO!" and hucked a ball into triple coverage and not gotten bailed out. He has made decisions that he would have never made in the past this year, and that makes even the most optimistic New England fan nervous. You have to think that he will have his shit together for this game though; the man is a competitor.

The Pick: Experience and poise over explosiveness and youth. It's the fucking playoffs. No kids allowed. Pats 31, Chargers 28

Labels: Chargers, NFL, Patriots, Playoffs